I appreciate another intended mother sharing the complexity of feelings that we have. Miranda82, I will say that as an intended mother I never worried that my unborn child wasn't loved, because my husband and I loved our twins from the moment we had a positive beta. We did worry constantly about the care our surrogate and babies were getting (justifiably so as we made the mistake of doing our surrogacy internationally).
My surrogate and I communicated pretty regularly via Skype. At one point, she stood up to show me her "bump". I burst into tears. She burst into tears, because she thought that I was upset at her. I was eventually able to explain that my tears were complicated: Happy for obvious reasons, sad because I was still mourning the fact that I wasn't carrying my babies, grateful beyond words that they were being carried by someone so empathetic and kind, angry that my body had failed me, impatient to end the "intended" part of our journey and get to the "mothering" part, joyful that my babies were finally a reality.
One of the things that I've noticed from my own experience and from hanging around the surrogacy community is that often the mixed feelings that intended mothers experience are perceived as if they were directed personally at the surrogate. In general, I don't think that is the case. I think it's simply that surrogacy is a hard road for all involved, however, it's a journey that surrogates choose to take. While intended parents choose surrogacy, it's generally because it's the last ditch, hail mary pass to have a family and there isn't another option. As grateful as I am to my surrogate, there will always be a small part of me that wishes we had not needed her to complete our family (and I'm an intended mom who actually was able to have children prior to our surrogacy, I think it's exponentially harder for IMs who have never been able to carry a pregnancy to term.)
With all that said, I do think that intended mothers need to do what they can to keep their grief about their infertility separate from their surrogate. It's not fair to expect a surrogate to "fix" our complicated feelings, which is why I think it's so important for Ips to get support from other current and former Ips. Knowing I wasn't alone in these really complex feelings helped me with them.