0kayintheend

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0kayintheend last won the day on August 27 2016

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About 0kayintheend

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  • Surrogacy Status
    IM Surrogate is currently 9 weeks with twins
  1. I am lucky enough to have been able to carry my children prior to our decision to pursue surrogacy. i think that your feelings are very understandable. When my husband and I decided to have our son together, it was a private decision within the intimacy of our marriage. Surrogacy takes that very private and intimate decision and journey and turns it into a very "public" process. There were definitely times that I felt resentful that so many people were involved in aspects of our lives that are normally private between us, One of the ways that we coped with that was to make sure that we retained and nurtured intimacy in our marriage generally. It was important for us to retain a sense of ourselves outside of surrogacy....which can be very all consuming. I think that it also helped both us to remember that while the process of us becoming parents was very, very different than how we had become parents before, the end result- that we are our daughter's parents is not.
  2. At this point, I think it makes a lot more sense to make your move first,get settled and then move on towards a surrogacy journey if you are still interested in doing so. I know a lot of people who have had surrogacy journeys take much longer than a year. There are all kinds of things that could cause delays in your surrogacy journey. It seems to me that could be really frustrating and unfair to your husband. Also I think having your surrogate move mid journey can be really tough on IPs. I understand that sometimes it happens and it's outside of anyone's control, but even if you move to a surrogacy friendly state it can mean additional legal costs if they have to redo paperwork, additional travel costs for the IPs, etc. Surrogacy will still be here when your family is settled.
  3. There were many, many victims of Rudy Rupak. There were also some who profited from their pain. Let us not confuse the two.
  4. Finally.
  5. I'm curious about how other parents through egg or sperm donations and surrogacy feel about things like the donor sibling registry? Do you feel that your children should be meeting their donor half siblings? There are a couple of blogs out there by donor conceived adults and a couple of blogs by adults conceived through traditional surrogacy. I'm trying to process how I feel about them and would love to know if other parents through surrogacy feel about this.
  6. I never understand why people will contractually agree to something and then get angry if the IP exercise the option provided for in the contract. Not too long ago, in this very forum, there were many posts from a set of Ips who were going through this with their surrogate. Everyone seemed pretty understanding as to why he was so very upset and concerned. Let's face it, while thankfully the number is few, there are IPs who should not be trusted and there are surrogates who should not be trusted. I wouldn't necessarily see it as a commentary on their entire relationship with their surrogate, or her character, but more a concern that they have had for quite some time about surrogacy in general, as they obviously worried about it enough to make sure it was in the contract. A quick google search resulted in several companies that can do this via a blood sample from the surrogate.
  7. I will keep you and your IF in my thoughts and prayers.
  8. I think the problem is that it is simply impossible to do enough research to protect oneself in a situation as risky as international surrogacy. I'm very glad that it worked out for you and you had a good experience. Sadly, that is not the case for many others. Currently, there are facilitators taking clients to places where surrogacy is illegal, or trying to get clients in "under the wire"..... Why do they do this? Because there is absolutely no reason for them not to. By the time the proverbial shit hits the fan, the agency has been paid in full and they are long gone.
  9. I appreciate another intended mother sharing the complexity of feelings that we have. Miranda82, I will say that as an intended mother I never worried that my unborn child wasn't loved, because my husband and I loved our twins from the moment we had a positive beta. We did worry constantly about the care our surrogate and babies were getting (justifiably so as we made the mistake of doing our surrogacy internationally). My surrogate and I communicated pretty regularly via Skype. At one point, she stood up to show me her "bump". I burst into tears. She burst into tears, because she thought that I was upset at her. I was eventually able to explain that my tears were complicated: Happy for obvious reasons, sad because I was still mourning the fact that I wasn't carrying my babies, grateful beyond words that they were being carried by someone so empathetic and kind, angry that my body had failed me, impatient to end the "intended" part of our journey and get to the "mothering" part, joyful that my babies were finally a reality. One of the things that I've noticed from my own experience and from hanging around the surrogacy community is that often the mixed feelings that intended mothers experience are perceived as if they were directed personally at the surrogate. In general, I don't think that is the case. I think it's simply that surrogacy is a hard road for all involved, however, it's a journey that surrogates choose to take. While intended parents choose surrogacy, it's generally because it's the last ditch, hail mary pass to have a family and there isn't another option. As grateful as I am to my surrogate, there will always be a small part of me that wishes we had not needed her to complete our family (and I'm an intended mom who actually was able to have children prior to our surrogacy, I think it's exponentially harder for IMs who have never been able to carry a pregnancy to term.) With all that said, I do think that intended mothers need to do what they can to keep their grief about their infertility separate from their surrogate. It's not fair to expect a surrogate to "fix" our complicated feelings, which is why I think it's so important for Ips to get support from other current and former Ips. Knowing I wasn't alone in these really complex feelings helped me with them.
  10. Thank you for sharing your experience. You aren't the first person who has had this experience.
  11. london, I am so very, very sorry that your journey was so difficult. Thank you for sharing this.
  12. My heart goes out to you, Flower1234. As an IM, I cannot tell you the number of times that I felt alienated and sad over the fact that I was not carrying our babies. There were days I thought my heart would break. My daughter is now seven months old. I will always be grateful to her surrogate, I will always worry about her and wish the best for her. However, as much as surrogacy has been a huge part of my journey to being my daughter's mom, it's only the beginning of her story.... Surrogacy will not define her life and I don't expect it to define our relationship. So while I definitely remember the pain you are feeling now, know this. You are stronger than you know. You are strong enough that you will get through it and every day that you hold your baby close to your heart the pain you're feeling now will recede a little more, until it becomes a distant memory. Namaste.
  13. I'm an IM that induced lactation. She will definitely need to take progesterone in addition to domperidone, supplements and she'll need access to a hospital grade pump. She's welcome to contact me if she'd like.
  14. I wish I had put all of the time, effort, research and money I spent trying to make an international surrogacy journey work into finding a lower comp surrogate here in the US. No matter how difficult that might have been, it cannot ever compare with how hard it is to live with my son's death. Not only is my family dealing with the death of our son and the health challenges faced by our daughter, we've been slandered by our former "facilitator" had our special needs child's medical details shared with strangers, and been threatened with everything from legal action to physical harm for "disparaging" international surrogacy. I am so sorry, John. You are missed every day.
  15. And yet numerous "agencies" and "facilitators" are still telling people that Mexico is totally legal and safe. The fact that you might be able to get away with something does not make it safe.