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Guest TS times 5

Feelings never expressed

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Karen1229    0

Sue...I think that it comes out largely how you explain/raise your children (of ED or adoption or TS...even GS). And then after your children contemplate it, the labels may come out differently (isn't it KT's ED bubs who call her the "egg lady"...but some others may call their ED their "genetic mother"). I still firmly believe that the woman who raises and loves a child is their MOMMY. Children that come from other than simple mother/father beginnings do have a more complicated set of circumstances (and several important adults in their life)...but openness is paramount in everyone feeling secure in where they are. You are most definitely Dilen and Ronly's MOMMY :wub: and Anne is that special lady who helped bring them to you!

 

To the OP...I too appreciate you sharing your feelings and especially clarifying that it was the CHILDREN who changed your mindset on the situation. That is a less-heard perspective. Can I ask how is it that your IPs are approaching the situation of the children asking for you?

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Guest Starfish   
Guest Starfish

A child will ask questions if they feel that they are different. Lots of why's and how's.

 

I fully anticipate being asked questions from my surrodaughter. And I will answer them truthfully. And the truth is that no matter how much we share genes, we are NOT family. Biology alone doesn't make a family. Children need a nurturing person who care for them on a daily basis and since I am not that person for the child I brought into this world via TS, I am not this childs family. I could never forgive myself if I were to screw up a childs mind because I felt sorry for myself and regretted my actions as a TS.

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Guest Guest   
Guest Guest

Well said Starfish. It has always bothered me when people put such emphaisis on genetics. Genes have nothing to do with Mom. Mom is the person who cuddles you when you're sick, who holds your hand to your first day of kindergarden, who teaches you how to laugh and how to cry. A true "MOM" really has nothing to do with DNA, it's just a side effect for most children. It's all in what you teach your kids; what makes someone Mom.

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dq1522    3

I often wonder the same thing... we can't control what this child will feel and think? We can love it and make sure he/ she knows where an why she is here but will he/she think I didn't want them? I have no idea. My IPs are both 50 years old... what happens when TS baby is 18 or even 30 and IPs aren't here anymore... will my now TS adult come to me as family? I will only be 50 or 60 at that time? I know these are a lot of what if's but still valid thoughts... I can't predict the future I can only hope this baby can accept the way and reason he or she was created... I keep telling my self this is not my baby but my friends say well technically Carla this is your baby... but I don't feel like it is mine. I feel like it is IM and IF's baby. I love it and can't wait to see him/ her and hold him/ her but I don't want to keep it... I know these feelings are different for every surro just sharing a few of mine. Thanks to OP for telling the story about what happens when the babies grow up :)

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nicolette    0

thankyou for being so open and honest and yes you are right,who knows what the future holds,i am also preparing myself for that knock on the door,letter or phone call and i feel that is perfectly natural of my surrochildren,they ofcourse will be naturally curious about me,over here (uk) it is on the birth certificate that a surrogacy took place so it would be very hard for ips to hide the fact from their children,i say it again THEIR CHILDREN,while i am those babies birth mum i am not in any way a parent or guardian,that is not my role.......

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4ofmyown    1

oh yes, they will be curious. Let's not fool ourselves. Even the children who grow up in a healthy, loving, and honest relationship will be curious and ask questions.

Unless they have had access (physical access) to their bio-parent, they will someday wish to know more.

 

Surrogate's (TS mostly) are like birth mother's from an open adoption. They are available at anytime for contact. That is cool. I wish I was able to contact my bio-parents.

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babyholic    0

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I went through some very protective feelings. All those extra hormones and this being my first time as a TS. As soon as the second trimester hit, I was fine again. Some of the thoughts that went through my head were, "Are these people good enough to give this baby to?" "Am I doing the right thing?"

 

I donated my egg when we began this process. I am also gestating this baby for them. However, this baby was created with love for their family, with the intention of helping them. I did not concieve this baby with love for my husband nor with his sperm, and I do not feel the same way about him/her as I did with my children. I feel a serious detachment from this pregnancy that I never had with my children.

 

I also do not feel that genetics makes one mommy or daddy. A rapist can father a child, but he will never be that child's daddy. I know that's an extreme comment, but I have to make the point as strong as I feel it. The woman who raises the children is their mommy. The man who steps up to the plate and provides financial and emotional support is the daddy.

 

My IPs plan to be very open about the surrogacy and want their child to know how they came to be. There is a possibility the child will contact me with these questions, and I will be kind but firm. If they are questioning the issue, there are two sides to it. If the IPs and I are firm on our end, the child should feel secure. Kids get weird ideas in their head sometimes and need guidance to understand adult ideas/complications.

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Guest phrogger   
Guest phrogger

 

 

My IPs plan to be very open about the surrogacy and want their child to know how they came to be. There is a possibility the child will contact me with these questions, and I will be kind but firm. If they are questioning the issue, there are two sides to it. If the IPs and I are firm on our end, the child should feel secure. Kids get weird ideas in their head sometimes and need guidance to understand adult ideas/complications.

 

But it is not a weird idea for a child to feel like their biological mother should have some kind of connection to the child. I don't understand how that isn't something we should want if we have that oppertunity.

 

But again, just understand, I felt the way you did with my first two pregnancies that I didn't keep. I had the same detachment and I said almost identical things. The 3rd pg is what changed my way of thinking.

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Guest TS times 5   
Guest TS times 5

I want to thank you for being so open about your experiences and feelings. And I have a question for you. I'm not sure exactly how to phrase this because I'm worried it will somehow sound offensive to someone and it's truly not meant to be.

 

I'm an IM via DE and GS. I noticed that you say that your TS children have called you and referred to you as "mommy". May I ask if those were children who were being raised in a home with an IM? I'm just wondering because everyone has always told me that even though my children were conceived with donor eggs, they'll always think of *me* as mom. I know that they may want to know their egg donor some day and ask her questions. And we think of our ED as a part of our family. But I guess I never thought that my DDs might some day refer to her as mom, too.

Dear Sweet IM!

 

I am sorry that I didnt explain that part better. 2 of my TS were for hetrosexual families. Those children do not refer to me as the Mother(mom, mommy,mum,etc). They call me by my name, though they know who I am and what role I played in their creation.

 

3 of my TS were for non-traditional families, and the two children old enough DO call me mommy. I believe that is because I am the only 'mom' that they have or know.

 

~~ To the rest of the responders, I want to express my deepest gratitude. I am happy to see the reaction, and the doors of communication being opened! Thank you!

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Guest TS times 5   
Guest TS times 5

Wow...thanks so much for expressing these thoughts. I am a hopeful TS for very good friends, but it is just these issues that have me worried. I am open to having a relationship with my future surro baby, but I wonder...what if it isnt enough? What if this child grows up to feel abandoned by me, even though I know he or she will be well loved by his/her dads?

 

I wonder if the OP regrets having done TS....

No! I have absolutely no regrets in having been a TS. The families are wonderful, and the children are beautiful little beings. I do not regret having those children, and even with things changing in my relationships with them, I dont wish anything different.

 

I was so afraid when that first phone call came. I am not afraid now. I even have plans to see 3 of the children this comming year, and the IPs are all getting together to make plans to let the children all meet one another.

 

I am happy. :wub:

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Guest TS times 5   
Guest TS times 5

To the OP...I too appreciate you sharing your feelings and especially clarifying that it was the CHILDREN who changed your mindset on the situation. That is a less-heard perspective. Can I ask how is it that your IPs are approaching the situation of the children asking for you?

The IPs are wonderful. They have all been very honest and open with the children. The 2 children who have the deepest need to know me, both have fathers who are doing everything they can to make that happen. All of the IPs have been open, answered questions, and are doing everything they can to make sure that their childrens emotional wellbeing is looked after.

 

My TS children range in age from 8-1.

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I know that going into ED I had to prepare myself for the possibility that I would be contacted, the emotions that go with that. I am comfortable with it and sometimes even happy about it.

 

I look forward to meeting and talking to the children born from my ED's, to see how they turned out, if they are happy, loved, etc. And if for some reason they look to me as a Mother figure, then that's a consequence of my actions and I'm ready to accept it. I'm probably an odd one with that, since most donors want to be anonymous and don't want that risk at all. I'm okay with it.

 

What I worry is that I choose the right parents, and whether or not those parents nurtured those children in a way that they aren't resentful or feel something is missing.

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IMinNY    0

I very much agree with those who said that what makes a Mommy is the cuddling when sick, the life lessons, the daily ins and outs....What shocks me about the original post is that the children call and refer to the OP as "mommy". Why? I think that the complicated nature of TS is way too confusing for little kids to understand fully--and that's evidenced by the fact that they call their biological mother "Mommy". What do they call the woman actually raising them? And how are they supposed to understand living with *whoever* and Daddy, but their "mommy" is somewhere else?

 

I am not in any way implying that kids should be lied to or the truth covered up, but to allow a little kid to "feel different" should be avoided in my opinion. I personally would never consider engaging in a TS arrangement, but if I were to, I think I would want to make sure that there would be NO confusion on the part of the little one.

I think it's only natural for a woman who carried and birthed a child to feel her heartstrings pulled when that child calls her Mommy. And I think it's an inappropriate thing for the little one to be encouraged to do. Just too confusing. If they get to be twelve or sixteen (old enough to actually understand surrogacy FULLY) and want to call her Mom then, by all means go for it, but a little kid will just be confused and feel abandoned.

 

That's just my opinion. I admit that some of it might be colored by the fact that I am one of the women who feels like a second class citizen sometimes because I can't carry my own child. It hurts to feel like some people are convinced that they're superior to women like me because they CAN carry babies. When people lord their reproductive capabilities over people like me who have no choice, it hurts. So I am sure that this influences my feelings on this subject--the MOM of those kids is the woman raising them. The biological mother is someone who hopefully gave that MOM a gift she would never have otherwise been able to achieve--but she is Not The Mama.

 

Again, just my opinion, and probably not the clearest explication of it, but I had to get this off my chest.

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karensworld    0

Cynthia, I agree with you, but what if the child has 2 daddies? Then what do you call the biomom?

 

Personally, after much discussion and thought, Ive decided, along with the IFs, that I will be called Mom Karen, because really, I have 2 roles. Firstly, I am the child's bio mom, which imo, cannot be underestimated, esp because there is no other mother. Therefore, we feel that "mom" should be part of my name. Secondly, I'm Karen, very good friend to E and E, and to this child being born. I'm not a mommy really, because I'm not raising the child, but I am the mother.

 

And, I think that with clear and appropriate explanations, a child will not be confused. I have many friends who are lesbians; their children were born with the help of a sperm donor. These children have full understanding of the circumstances of their births, and are well adjusted and happy.

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