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A&EsMommy

Alone after the birth

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I'm currently being considered for a first time GS. I have several questions and concerns and one of them is being alone at the hospital after the baby is born. I will have a c-section so I will have to stay in the hospital for a few days before going home. What I'm most concerned about is how I will feel once the IPs take the baby into their own room and I'm left alone. Surely my husband will be there to support me but what about night time? Did you get lonely and/or depressed? I imagine myself alone and recovering, I don't know how I will handle it. Hopefully I can sort things out in my head before then but I'm curious if any of you experienced what I'm talking about. Thanks for any input!

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For me (I have yet to complete a journey) I have planned that once their baby is born, I will soon be wheeled to my room, stuff my face, (If I don't have a Csection which I haven't before) and see my own baby (my 5 yr old) I've read on here that you WILL mourn, and that it's completely normal!

 

My 2 cents may be useless since I'm not experienced, BUT I do have a painted picture/plan.

 

Good luck with your decision :)

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I think alot of the depends on the relationship you have with your IP's! Both of my journies I was VERY close with my IP's and we discussed this at length prior to my delivering! They both wanted me to be able to visit and see the baby anytime I wanted. My last (and current) IP's asked me to pump milk for Ryan, and it turns out the hospital had rooms right next to each other for us, so we went back and forth all the time. I would pump milk and take it to them, they would come over and let me see Ryan and just sit and talk with me. So I was never really alone, between IP's and my own kids and husband. I didn't have a c-section so left the hospital 15 hours after delivering my first surroson, and the second one we stayed the full 2 days so I could pump as much as possible.

 

If you desire a close relationship which will enable you to spend time with IP's and the baby, you should talk about that with potential IP's.

 

In all honesty, even when the journey is perfect and you have a great relationship with your IP's, there are still hormones to deal with, and some sadness that the journey is over. I could not have asked for more perfect IP's and journies, but I cried and had my sad moments, it lasted about 2 weeks with both. It helped that both IP's kept in close touch with me and didn't want me to feel left out or abandoned after the birth.

 

I wish you the best! Keep asking questions, as this is the way you figure out if IP's are right for you!!!

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Well in my situation (and many) I stayed in my room and so did my DH (my MIL kept the kids) and my IF's had a room right next to ours. The babies usually stay the same amount of days that you do and often the IP/IF's stay with them. Sometimes the hospital will give the parents a room of their own in the hospital, but sometimes they won't and the parents end up either staying in your room with you or going to a hotel at night.

 

I think in an ideal situation your IP/IF's will be there to comfort you and you would still be able to see the babies. I think it is rare that the parents would take the babies while you are still in the hospital and leave you by yourself, hopefully they will be there to hang out with you and make sure you are ok.

 

Maybe you can read some birth stories here or some postpartum posts, I think lots of them talk about what happened after the birth too.

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It honestly wasn't a very big deal for me at all. My last c/s was so horrible I spent time throwing up, sleeping off the pain meds and not wanting to be touched.

I didn't miss baby at all. My IP's checked on me several times a day and brought me yummy food. I held baby for a few minutes before they all left. I did cry. I cry every time they all leave as a family. I don't miss the baby, I miss the journey.

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With my first surrogacy I was so darn tired I just slept and enjoyed the alone time. I only stayed one night in the hospital.

 

No sad feelings there at all. I was happy that the IP's had their baby and I got to go back to my life and kids.

 

This time around I got a little more emotional. I went through so much more with the twins and had a closer relationship with IP's. Also I delivered early and so I was not ready for the journey to end so soon.

 

I got sad that weekend because dh went out of town on a trip he had preplanned. I slept alone all 4 nights in the hospital after my c-section. But that wasn't a big deal to me because I had plenty of visitors come and go during the day and I was able to spend a good amount of time with IM and the babies.

 

:luck: It's nice to talk about all this beforehand so you can prepare yourself.

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I've had two surrogate births, both c/s's...and the second was just 6 days ago.

 

I never felt alone. My dh stayed both nights with me so I had constant company and someone taking care of me. The first day the babies' parents brought the babies to me to visit any time I rang for them, and then the second day I came and went to their room to visit whenever I felt like it. So I think my peacefulness comes directly from having such an amazing dh and wonderful IPs. My delivery experience was nothing short of perfect. I hope yours will be too!!

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IP's had a daughter they brought with them so they went to the hotel for the nights I was in the hospital. I had surro baby with me for the entire time, and breastfed her on demand while in the hospital.

 

I was emotional seeing them all leave in the end, because I didn't know what the contact would be afterwards and knowing that I had helped create that family. It all turned out in the end, seeing them again, getting tons of pictures and now I'm doing a sibling journey for them.

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I also had 3 perfect surrogate experiences. I have to say that the bond that I formed with my 1st and 3rd set of IPs was so close that I missed them more than the babies, when they left! With all 3, the IPs were given a hospital room right next to mine, so I was able to be with the babies whenever I wanted. I was in the hospital 4 days longer than the twins due to anemia and that was the only birth that I felt any lonely time. The IPs had flown home to Dallas and would call me 4-5 times a day to tell me everything about the twins. DH had to go back to work and the kids back to school. And there I sat bored to death in the hospital. But as soon at 3pm hit, I was flooded with visitors, so it was something to look forward to. If you have a close relationship with your IPs, you may feel a sense of loss when they leave, that really doesn't have anything to do with the baby. Just know that all the feelings are normal and crying or being sad doesn't mean anything negative in your surro journey!

 

Oh, and I wanted to mention (and not sure if it happened to anyone else) but while in the hospital, for some reason they felt it necessary to send in a grief counselor!! Umm, hello, the baby did NOT die, they just went home with their family! I refused their counseling but they still had to leave all the pamphlets about experiencing a loss, lol! :rolleyes:

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You ladies are AWESOME!!! I'm so glad we have a place to read about, and learn from strong experienced women :)

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I agree with Charity I missed the journey, but never felt alone or missed the baby.

 

Best of luck to you!!

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You ladies are AWESOME!!! I'm so glad we have a place to read about, and learn from strong experienced women :)

 

Definitely!!!

 

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me! I love that I can ask questions like this and get honest answers without any judgment. You've all given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate it!

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for me my ips usually stayed in my room all/most of the day and i was alone at night...which worked perfect for me. i liked that i had time to sleep, journal, relax, get showered in the morning etc alone. the times that we had babies in nicu it was a bit more lonely bc they were not in my room as much, so i was alone more. try to schedule visitors as much as possible if you are not an alone type person in that situation. i had some friends stop by (though once it was not at a local hospital so that was more difficult). what is hard is when you have a section and ips want to leave right away. that was going to be me last time...if wanted to be out of there in a day (though 2 is recommended and i bet he'd have done that) while i got 4 days for my section...i was already stressing about being there 2 days w/o them and wasn't looking foward to it (my last ips stayed the entire time bc they were a bit nervous to be kicked out of the nest so to speak!)...it turned out those babies were in the hospital for a couple weeks for feeding/allergy issues so it was not an issue...but i would really think about things and be sure you take care of your needs...

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I love everybody's replies :hb: ! I hope they've been really helpful for you.

 

When I had my surrotwins last May, I had this vision in my head of a beautiful vaginal birth where I handed the babies over to their parents and we all stayed close together for a few days in the hospital. Isn't that what all surros dream about?

 

What actually happened was so very different. In short, we ended up delivering at 34 weeks at a hospital that wasn't our planned destination - the babies were coming so quickly that we had to go to a local hospital who didn't know us. Our IP's did not make the birth, which was by C-Section because baby B was high and transverse. After the babies were born, they had to be taken right away and stabilized and then, within just a few hours, sent to a larger hospital. My IP's got to see me for only a few minutes and literally... all I was able to do was touch the tiny toes of the little ones who had lived inside of me for 34 weeks. I knew my IPs felt horrible about leaving, but they all had to go. And there I was at this "rinky dink" (my mom's term!) hospital.

 

During those three days at the hospital, my DH's father ~ who was like a second father to me ~ was on hospice care, dying at home of cancer. It was very surreal. My DH was going back and forth between us, so I was alone quite a bit.

 

Here's why I am telling you this. It was still an amazing experience! I was still basking in the moment and the joy of what I had just done for this family. My IPs sent me lots of pictures and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, and called me many times during those three days. If it weren't for that, I would have felt very alone. I did cry, at night, when I knew the nurses and social workers wouldn't be around to think I was depressed or suffering psychologically from missing the babies. Because I wasn't, as others have said, missing the babies. I was missing the journey and the experience of handing them to their mom and dad. Many days since then I have longed for the moment I never had.

 

Just know before you begin that no matter how you try, you may not be able to control the outcome. But truly, the gift of giving life is much bigger than that. And... I've seen my sweet surrotwins many many times since their birth and am so thankful for the relationship we have with our surrofamily!

 

Lots of love to you as you move forward!

Mandy

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My last surrogacy my IM and I actually roomed in together. So we shared a room, I actually got to take care of my surrogate baby the first night so she could rest. I would discuss things with the IP's as you meet them and let them know what you'd like to happen, keep open lines of communication and it helps.

 

Good luck

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