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JamesB

Single man looking for surrogacy?

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JamesB    0

I'm a single man who had a beautiful wife. I married her two years ago, on August 2015. We had a great time together. I still remember that day when I came back from the office. She came to me and whispered into my ears, "honey you're going to be a daddy soon". After hearing those unforgettable words, I was the happiest man on this planet. I started taking care of her, extra care actually. I started doing household, kitchen, almost everything. She was in her sixth month of pregnancy when we both met with an accident. We were coming back to home from the hospital (we went there for routine check). I was driving the car, she was sitting next to me on the front seat. Suddenly, somebody hit our car from behind by an accident and the car bumped into the tree. I was hurt a little, but my wife was crying in pain. I called the ambulance and it took us to the hospital right away. The doctor informed me that she had a miscarriage. Nothing could be done to save the child. Even the life of my wife was in danger since she was in her sixth month. Doctors tried their best, but they failed to save my wife. 

I'm just 29, my parents are asking me to get married again. They just don't want me to spend my life all alone. But I can't even think about that. The person who I lost, was my life. I still love her, miss her, think about her. I can't go to any another girl just like that. Her only dream was to make me a daddy. Since I don't want to get married again, how about if I go for surrogacy? I just want one child, with whom I can spend rest of my life. I really need some serious advice or suggestion. How and from where shall I start?

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DragonDad    15

I am very sorry to read about your losses.  This is a terrible tragedy.  I am so very sorry.

 

Regarding Surrogacy -

Yes you can pursue surrogacy.  The first step is always Research.  I can help by answering some questions on here and providing insight.  Aside from doing research on IVF, surrogacy laws, insurance, compensation, egg donation, psychological impacts -- I think it is also important to study clinics.  sart.org has a list of clinics and their success rates.  It will be important to determine who will be your egg donor.  Will you ask a family member to donate eggs or will you work with an egg donor?  If it is the latter (working with an egg donor) - some clinics have egg donors available.  If a clinic has an egg donor program , it can save thousands of dollars -- In the instance of working with an egg donor, you will need to decide what characteristics of an egg donor are important to you.  

 

Please let me know if I may answer more questions.

My recommendation would be start with selecting a clinic and an egg donor - as well as doing research on both.

 

Thank you

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JamesB    0
10 hours ago, DragonDad said:

My recommendation would be start with selecting a clinic and an egg donor - as well as doing research on both.

 

Dear DragonDad, I really appreciate your words. And thanks for such a priceless advice you gave here. As far as I've researched about IVF, it's good for a couple who is infertile. I have no woman, I'm single. The embryo, an egg fertilized through IVF treatment, needs a womb to be placed. From where can I get a womb? Instead, why surrogacy is not a better option for me? I've consulted a few fertility experts last week. They told me about IVF and how expensive it can be in real. Look dear, I'm not saying I don't like your advice. Please don't mind! I just want to know how IVF can help me here and why it's better than surrogacy.

Some are saying that surrogacy may cost me more than the IVF treatment. But my question is still the same, from where can I get the womb?

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traci72    202
1 hour ago, JamesB said:

Dear DragonDad, I really appreciate your words. And thanks for such a priceless advice you gave here. As far as I've researched about IVF, it's good for a couple who is infertile. I have no woman, I'm single. The embryo, an egg fertilized through IVF treatment, needs a womb to be placed. From where can I get a womb? Instead, why surrogacy is not a better option for me? I've consulted a few fertility experts last week. They told me about IVF and how expensive it can be in real. Look dear, I'm not saying I don't like your advice. Please don't mind! I just want to know how IVF can help me here and why it's better than surrogacy.

Some are saying that surrogacy may cost me more than the IVF treatment. But my question is still the same, from where can I get the womb?

You absolutely can't have a surrogacy arrangement w/out an ED (egg donor) and IVF, unless you do a TS (traditional surrogacy) where you still need an RE and IUI. (Google) By reading your comments to some amazing advise that you would do well to follow, it's clear that you have NOT done any research about surrogacy at all. Just a basic Google search will show you the 2 types of surrogacy AND that a GS goes through IVF.

DD's suggestion to you is one of a cost and time saving step. By finding an ED, you can create the embryos now and freeze them until you are in a position to have and afford a surrogate and the IVF process. I would strongly suggest that you take a step back initially, and do a LOT of reading on this site as well as utilizing Google to help you begin researching.

 

Also, if you bothered to notice DD's name...especially since you typed it out, "Dear" was both an inappropriate term as well as a condescending one in how it comes out in your comment.

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JamesB    0

I visited a fertility center nearby me. The fertility consultant over there helped me a lot. She cleared up all my doubts about surrogacy. According to her, surrogacy is the last option in most of the infertility cases. But my case is quite different since I'm not fertile. She told me that surrogacy is used just as a carrier that carries a baby for nine months and delivers it. But the woman who plays the role of surrogate, doesn't use her own eggs (unlike traditional surrogacy). I would definitely need an egg donor who'll donate her eggs. And then through IVF, the embryo will be created and transferred to the surrogate. After nine months, she'll give birth to my baby and give that to me to raise. She also said that both surrogacy methods (traditional or gestational) are really expensive. Is she right?

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traci72    202

Yes, she is. You can easily be looking at $80-100K or more for a gestational surrogacy and I'm not certain about TS, but I would expect maybe $60-80K. There are things you can easily factor in for cost, such as an agency fee if you use an agency, the clinic/RE costs, attorneys, surrogate's compensation, certain fees, etc. Things that can vary tremendously are lost wages, travel expenses (these can be estimated, but not set in stone), child care, housekeeping (if on bed rest) medical costs for prenatal care and delivery, if you end up having to cover a separate insurance policy (again, can be estimated, but until you know, it's just a guess), if it takes multiple attempts (1st transfer is not always successful) and a number of other factors. 

My 1st IP's and I were lucky. They used a clinic/RE in Canada which was, in the end, 1/3 cheaper than using a clinic here in the US. Even factoring in my travel/meals/hotel, it was cheaper. Our 1st transfer worked, thank goodness, and they spent around $65K, which also included their ED and the agency fee. The 2nd family I carried for spent just under $200K for both of our journeys combined. The 2nd IP's I worked for though (we were not successful w/any transfer) spent all of their savings between multiple attempts on themselves, 2 attempts w/another surrogate and 2 attempts w/me, and no baby to show for it. 

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JamesB    0
Quote

You can easily be looking at $80-100K or more for a gestational surrogacy and I'm not certain about TS, but I would expect maybe $60-80K.

Oh, I see.

Frankly speaking, $80-100 k is quite a big amount for me. I knew surrogacy would be expensive, but I never thought it can really cost this much. The fertility expert was also telling me that the cost of gestational surrogacy starts at $80,000 in America. And the cost of traditional surrogacy will cost more than that. Is she right? According to you, the TS will cost less than the GS.

She also said that overseas program for surrogacy will start from $40,000. Will it be a good idea if I would consider such overseas program?

Edited by JamesB

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traci72    202

My 1st IP's paid around $65K for everything, which included the agency fee, but we were lucky and it worked the very 1st transfer, but it is possible to not hit that $100K mark. TS DOES cost less, overall, than a GS situation, and why someone would tell you otherwise is beyond me, other than if they plan on pocketing that difference. For a GS situation, (for this I am ONLY looking at the DIFFERENCES between the 2 and not the things that you have to do no matter what, such as contracts, psych eval, med screening, etc) you are, as a single man, looking at having an ED (egg donor) and have the costs associated w/that...her screening, contract, the med's for her cycle. There will be an ER (egg retrieval) that will have to be paid for OOP (out of pocket) as that is not covered by insurance. The med's she's required to take are often not included in the cost either. The GS will have her med's to cycle with, then there is the actual IVF transfer. If your GS (or ED) are not close to the clinic you're using, there are costs associated w/for travel (flights, car service/rental car/etc if you're not able to drive her, hotel, meals). If the transfer is successful, the GS will continue on med's potentially up to 10-14wks pg. 

Doing a TS, it's her egg, so there is no need for an ER to be done, so you're not having a separate contract or ED comp, no cost of the ER or those med's. Depending on the state in which the TS lives, you may have to do an IUI (inter uterine insemination) in which you give your "contribution" and an RE, Dr or in some cases, even the nurse, would use a catheter to insert the semen into her uterus (basic explanation). Sometimes the Dr/RE will track her natural cycle and do the IUI around that, sometimes they will do a medicated cycle, however, the med's are far less, in general, than what a GS takes. Now, you may still use a clinic not close to the TS, in which case you'd be responsible for the same travel costs, but there may be someplace closer to her for an IUI. Just looking at this basic, elementary breakdown, I can't see where on earth anyone would get that it's MORE costly than a GS. 

 

As far as going to another country (other than the US or Canada) #1 you will NOT get out of there for anywhere near what you quoted, and you can easily bet you'll pay double that if not more, #2 you will not find encouragement to go to places like the Ukraine, Thailand, Mexico, etc on this site or just about any other reputable surrogacy site. I could easily quote you story after story of the nightmares that happen, including to dear friends that did much research before pursuing surrogacy abroad and lost one of their babies due to the negligence and lack of medical standards where they were born. I can tell you about the experience my last IP's had w/their 1st child born from a surrogate in another country and why they chose to come to the US for their 2nd child. I could share w/you the stories and what I saw in the photos from my 3rd IP's mother who is a Dr in India and was called to provide sick care to all of the clinics/centers there....and that she forbid my IP's from using a surrogate in any other country outside of the US, or risk being cut off permanently from their families. And my friend who's child died? They were blackmailed to pay for their child's remains that were cremated w/out permission, and then turned out to be mostly WOOD. They had to pay bribes and exorbitant amts over and above the small $40k (using your example) that they were quoted. Then there are the children that have been stuck in these countries because the parents can't pay the bribes demanded of them. There are babies that have been stuck in Mexico because of this. There is a family stuck in Thailand because the surrogate decided she didn't like that they were gay (which she DID know from the beginning), so they've been hiding in Thailand for almost 2yrs, fighting for their daughter. There are many stories posted on this site alone that show the lies that are going to other countries.

 

#3....you are your child's 1st and best advocate and this is the very 1st decision you have to make for them. Where they will be born. Something to think about is this...is your child worth saving (if you're lucky) a bit of $$$ and the questionable medical and legal ability for them to be cared for and brought home, or are they worth not taking that sort of risk?

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JamesB    0

I met a couple a few weeks ago. It was a little get-together party at my friend's home. He introduced me to them, and we had a long conversation at that night. The lady advised me that if I'm looking for the most economical but best destination for surrogacy, I should definitely consider Ukraine.

Next day, I talked about this with my doctor and some experts. The experts running some fertility clinics here, are not liking this idea. But my doctor liked it very much. He said there's no harm in going to Ukraine for surrogacy. Also, he advised me that the legal paperwork should be filed appropriately in order to avoid any chance of legal battles or complications.

 

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traci72    202

I don't think there's more to be said as far as trying to help advise you through this process at all. Good luck w/your endeavors.

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