Telling my family I’m going to be a surrogate

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grace    0

So my honey and I decided about a year ago that I was going to be a surrogate. When I told him I really wanted to do this, he asked me why. I reminded him of the moment our son was born..remember how our whole life was changed, that in the moment we felt a new amazing kind of love...what if we couldn’t have that. He agreed and is 100% supportive in my choice to help a family.

Since then, I’ve been matched with a family, went through medical and psychological screening, signed legal contracts and now have a transfer date made for next month. I decided it was time to tell my parents.

I thought for sure that they would be 100% supportive, but to be honest, I’m disappointed with their reaction. It doesn’t change my mind that this is what I feel led to do. I guess I expected more of an “oh my gosh, that’s amazing” type of reaction. Since then, I’ve given them space to process it all. I received a message asking to talk more because they have questions.


I would love to hear some of your responses and how you handled them when telling family and friends of your choice to be a surrogate.

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traci72    202

Please don't take this the wrong way, but if you're expecting anyone to respond w/how amazing you are for doing this, your expectations are wrong. Most of the general public either do not have an understanding of surrogacy in general, or do not have an ACCURATE understanding of surrogacy, and don't think how great we are. (which honestly, we're not. This isn't about us and our egos) Also, when talking to your family and friends about this (general you, not just specifically you), their concerns are not in the same place. When we go into surrogacy, yes, we're thinking about our own families and the risks to ourselves, but we are thinking more about the IP's and what they've been through to get here. In our minds, it's about helping to build a family for someone that has done so much to try and get there. You family and friends are thinking...what if something happens to her? What if she becomes incapacitated? What if she's hospitalized? What if she has long-term health issues because of being a surrogate? What if she DIES? (and yes, not only is this a possibility, but it HAS happened to a few surrogates, though rare) 


I've been there for conversations between other surrogates and their family/friends and have seen the surrogate be accused of being selfish to do this because of potentially putting her own children/family at risk "for a few bucks or a dream". (this was NOT a pretty situation and included a lot of tears and yelling) I've seen parents and grandparents that did not understand gestational surrogacy (or just the concept of surrogacy) and accuse the surrogate of selling or giving away their grandchild and constantly refer to the surro-babe as their grandchild. I've seen families/friends get angry based on their religious beliefs and cut the surrogate out of their lives. One surrogate I know, once she went for transfer and was pg, her family wouldn't talk to her, visit her, etc, until after she delivered and would then never talk about it. While it bothered her some, it worked for them and allowed them to continue having a relationship outside of surrogacy. I've known surrogates that have lost friends and some family members (including her parents) due to the decision to be a surrogate. It can make things very difficult, tense, upsetting, sad, etc, when you *think that you'll have their support and then don't.


It may be that you just need to educate them more on surrogacy. What the process is, reassure them that it's not your baby/not genetically linked to you, what these IP's have gone through to even get to this point, and how important it is to you, to be able to help them in this way. Will this change their minds? Maybe not, but then again, it might. Either way, you can know that you did your best to help them understand, and if they can't get to a place where they can be supportive of you, then it's on them and not you. At that point, you can tell them that you're happy to discuss any questions/concerns that they might have, but that if they are unable to be supportive in any way, then you will not discuss the surrogacy w/them and hope that they will respect this. 


And if all else come back here and vent to us and let us help support you!

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