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Guest Shattered Child

From a child of traditional surrogacy

31 posts in this topic

I registered but have not received the confirmation letter. This was two hours ago. I will post this way for now.

 

My name is Clarissa. I am 20 years old. Some know me from other boards. I am a child of traditional surrogacy. I was raised to believe that I was adopted. When I went to search for my birth mother, my father told me the truth. He contracted with a agency to pay a woman to conceive & carry me. I use to post on other forums. I am received with hostility. Called a cry baby for my feelings. When I first started posting I was rightfully angry for being lied to. I felt bought & sold like a commodity. My biggest need was to find my mother (surrogate mother or birth mother). In January, I found her. I was terrified she wouldn't want to meet me. I was terrified she would treat me like an object. My fear of rejection was great. Not strong enough to stop me from finding her though. She reacted with joy. She spent 20 years wondering bout me. She grieved because she didn't know what I looked like. She grieved not knowing whether I was happy or not. She is upset I was lied to by my adoptive mother. My amom didn't want a child. She wanted to keep her husband. She has admitted as much. My mom (surro) never planned for me to not know how I came into being. My parents tried to stop me any way they could when I set out to find my mother. Today, my father has apologized deeply for lying to me. My mother and I are very close. We look alike. We sound alike. We have much in common. She did somethin I didn't dream she would do. She put every penny she could away to give back to me. She said she wished she never gave me up. My reason for posting is to offer a different view. One I do not see discussed on surrogacy boards. I have been bashed, called a fake, called a child for my feelings/views. I hope this is safer to post my views/feelings.

 

To intended parent's:

 

When you consider surrogacy do you consider how what you might be doing could effect your child to be?

 

If you have a child from ts, do you plan to tell him/her how she was born?

 

How do you feel towards your surrogate mother?

 

Will you let your child meet/know their surrogate mother?

 

 

For traditional surrogates:

 

Do you think how your child will feel being the product of surrogacy?

 

Do you love the child you carry?

 

Do you want to know the child you carry?

 

Do you consider how your surro child will feel that you received money to carry him/her?

 

If you could tell your surrogate child anything you wanted to what would it be?

 

I would be happy to answer questions. I know my view is that of 1 person. I hope that my view is valuable to help others think of all sides of surrogacy. The most important view should be that of the child who is the product of surrogacy.

 

Clarissa

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I wonder if a lot of parents who are currently exploring or have contracted with a SM to carry their child really take some time to consider the impact on their child. Regardless of our best efforts as parents, nothing about parenting is usually as you think it will be. Every child is a personality and soul unto their own. We can never know for sure how a child who is the product of adoption, traditional or gestational surrogacy is going to feel about the process as they mature into adulthood. I would wager a guess that the feelings of a child of TS would be more conflicted than one who is a product of GS, especially if their childhood was extremely negative. I have said that I could never reconcile myself to the fact that the antidote for my own heartache would possibly a part of someone elses. That applies to the child I may have had if I pursued TS as the solution to completing our own family. Children are conflicted enough without knowingly contributing to the possibility of more confusion later in life. Unless I suddenly become clairvoyant and know beyond a doubt that my child will feel positive and secure about their origins, then I personally have no business at all participating in a TS as a PIP.

 

Thankyou so much for allowing a rare glimpse into your life SC. I hope you stay as part of this board. You will find it a world apart from other boards *cough* who shall remain nameless.

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SC, I wanted to let you know that we will not bash you...You are entitled to your feelings, and opinions. Unfortunaely we cannot decide on the way we are conceived...or by whom. With that being said...I hope you can see from your parents point of view their desire to have a child to love and care for. I am sure they love you as much as any natural biological parent could. Of course I dont know them, and I dont know you, and I would like to say that I respect your feelings, and I hope you can do the same for the wonderful ladies here that are TS's and respond to your post. I hope that you can find peace and understanding from all of this and forgive whomever you are feeling torn about. Best Wishes you you...Denise

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:omg: Clarissa,

 

I am so happy you posted today :) My name is Kim and you can E- mail me anytine at KimsGigls4@aol.com Please I would love to talk to you..

 

I am a TS Surrogate Mother and I just met my Surrogate Daughter for the first time in Jan, 2005 this year too.. My Surrogate Daughter is 20 yrs old too and I am sure she would love to talk to you to.. She was Born Oct 26,1984 She found me but her parents told her how she was born from the very begining..

 

I will tell you that I loved her very much !! and like your mother I too wished I have never done the Surro Birth too !! I wanted to change my mind I loved her so much and did not know that it was going to hurt so badly ! :( But I knew that I did this for them and did not want to hurt the Couple I was doing this for.

 

I never forgot about her I alwas felt like one of my children were missing !! as I am sure your mother did too !! If she would like to e- Mail me I would Love it !!

I have been looking for someone who was a Surrogate Mother when I was and wanted to know how they felt about doing it.. OMG this is Great that you are talking about this because you are one of the few Children back then to be born this way.. Back when your mother and I did this we were young and we wanted to do something Wounderful For a Couple give them a chance to have a family like we did.. We thought because we were doing something so good that it would not hurt !!!! Wrong it hurt Very Very BAD.... And to me it was not worth it...

 

All my life after giving Birth to Lace my Surrogate Daughter I was not sure it was the right thing to do ... I wondered about her and what she thought about it . I hoped she would not hate me for it. and that she had a good life...

 

Now that she has come back into my and her sister`s life she has ansered my ??`s

and she thanked me for giving her life and her parents.. That is what I was longing for all this 20 yrs of her life.. She to did not get along with here Mother eather. I dont know if it has anything to do with her not being her Birth mother ?

 

Please e- mail me if you like to here more and like to have contact with My Surro Daughter Lace I bet you 2 would have a lot to talk about. KIM

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SC, I wanted to let you know that we will not bash you...You are entitled to your feelings, and opinions. Unfortunaely we cannot decide on the way we are conceived...or by whom. With that being said...I hope you can see from your parents point of view their desire to have a child to love and care for. I am sure they love you as much as any natural biological parent could. Of course I dont know them, and I dont know you, and I would like to say that I respect your feelings, and I hope you can do the same for the wonderful ladies here that are TS's and respond to your post. I hope that you can find peace and understanding from all of this and forgive whomever you are feeling torn about. Best Wishes you you...Denise

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Denise, I will do my best to show respect to all here. I use to have deep anger towards all in surrogacy. I feel differently now. My anger is now for the secrets some will keep in surrogacy. My anger is for those who would lie to their children.

To be clear, my amother didn't want a child. My father did. My amother wanted to keep her husband (my father) from leaving her. She told me more than once she never wanted me. This was before I knew I was a ts child. Today she is hateful. I do not hold surrogacy responsible for her hatred. I think she is a miserable person. My father holds deep anguish for having hurt me. My hope in sharing here is to offer some insight into what it feels like to be lied to. I didn't have a problem with thinking I was adopted. Would have been ok if it was the truth. The lies are what hurt me the most. Being told I was bought/sold is what hurt me. I desire to be open to hear what others have to say. I have needs to hear how others feel. That's why I asked questions.

 

Clari

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:omg: Clarissa,

 

I am so happy you posted today  :)  My name is Kim and you can E- mail me anytine at  KimsGigls4@aol.com Please I would love to talk to you..

 

I am a TS Surrogate Mother and I just met my Surrogate Daughter for the first time in Jan, 2005 this year too.. My Surrogate Daughter is 20 yrs old too and I am sure she would love to talk to you to.. She was Born Oct 26,1984  She found me but her parents told her how she was born from the very begining..

 

I will tell you that I loved her very much !! and like your mother I too wished I have never done the Surro Birth too !! I wanted to change my mind I loved her so much and did not know that it was going to hurt so badly !  :(  But I knew that I did this for them and did not want to hurt the Couple I was doing this for.

 

I never forgot about her I alwas felt like one of my children were missing !! as I am sure your mother did too !! If she would like to e- Mail me I would Love it !!

I have been looking for someone who was a Surrogate Mother when I was and wanted to know how they felt about doing it.. OMG this is Great that you are talking about this because you are one of the few Children back then to be born this way.. Back when your mother and I did this we were young and we wanted to do something Wounderful For a Couple give them a chance to have a family like we did.. We thought because we were doing something so good that it would not hurt !!!! Wrong it hurt Very Very BAD.... And to me it was not worth it...

 

All my life after giving Birth to Lace my Surrogate Daughter I was not sure it was the right thing to do ... I wondered about her and what she thought about it .  I hoped she would not hate me for it. and that she had a good life...

 

Now that she has come back into my and her sister`s life she has ansered my ??`s

and she thanked me for giving her life and her parents.. That is what I was longing for all this 20 yrs of her life.. She to did not get along with here Mother eather. I dont know if it has anything to do with her not being her Birth mother ?

 

Please e- mail me if you like to here more and like to have contact with My Surro Daughter Lace I bet you 2 would have a lot to talk about.    KIM

73066[/snapback]

 

 

Clarissa, My e- mail I gave you i missed Printed it ... its KimsGirls4@aol.com

 

 

and here is a photo link of me and Lace http://angelbabiesx2.homestead.com/files/CAY1S5K0.jpg

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Clarissa,  :hugs:,

 

I am sorry your Amom has hurt you so badly and said such evil things to you and did this only to keep your father, how selfish!  Your father lied to you and he was probably scared he would lose you if you knew the truth, that doesn't let him off the hook though, the apology does and the fact he helped you find your Bmom.  That is his way of saying he is sorry and he loves you very much. 

 

I hope for your sake and your Amoms sake the two of you can come to terms with what happened and get past it, try not to shut her out now that you have found your Bmom.  She must have love for you to have raised you all these years, and may be hurting that you have found love and friendship with your Bmom. 

 

 

P.S. If your Bmom had kept you what was her name for you?.  :hugs:.

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Brenda, thank you for your reply. I am happy to hear from you. I am happy you will tell your son the truth. I do wish to clarify for you. My father didn't help me find my mother. My amom chooses not to be part of my life. She is a very hateful person. She used surrogacy to keep her husband. I was ok with thinking I was adopted. I was not ok with being lied to. This caused me to feel my beginnings were a dirty secret. I felt dirty from it. My relationship with my mother is wonderful. She is the first mother to show love to me. Isn't that sad? Please do not think because my amom raised me that she loved me. Her motivations were selfish. Her resentment of me is constant. Way before I decided to find my mother.

 

My mother didn't have a name for me. She was never allowed to consider keeping me.

 

Clari

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:omg: Clarissa,

 

73066[/snapback]

 

 

Clarissa, My e- mail I gave you i missed Printed it ... its KimsGirls4@aol.com

 

and here is a photo link of me and Lace http://angelbabiesx2.homestead.com/files/CAY1S5K0.jpg

73068[/snapback]

 

I could not bring up the link you sent of you with your daughter. Your story is so close to mine. I am sitting here crying. Please give your daughter my e-mail at shatteredchild@aol.com . feel free to write me too.

 

Clari

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Clarissa,

 

hello" again its kim the Surrogate Mother that had my Daughter around the time you were born 1984 my E- Mail I gave you I wrote it wrong :( Here it is just in case you wanted to chat about how you felt I would love to here about it and so would Lace Surro Daughter........ KimsGirls4@aol.com :)

 

I am sorry about your mother being so mean to you that makes me feel bad Lace told me the samething but she has a sister born the same way from a differnt surromom and they get along... ? But when I here this it makes me sad :cry:

and I also wondered what you would think about the Fee ?? You & MY Daughter

I feard this. It was not about the money for me yes I did get Comp. No matter how it was done even if your Parents went to an Adoption agency there would be a fee. This just was a way to have a child that was DNA connected to them and this was the only way they could do it back then. Yes if I had to do it all over again I would not have done it Knowing what I know now.

 

Us Surrogate Moms back then and your Parents that had you were given a hard time about it and thats way I am sure your parents did not tell you how you were born. I am sure they wernt sure if they did the right thing eather.. I wish you good luck with your Bio-mom and I am sure she loves you VERY MUCH... Kim

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I am so sorry that you feel this way. Even more sorry that your parents thought they had to lie to you. It is very unfortunate, lies always breed mistrust. I am also saddened by the fact that your amom was threatened enough to treat you as she did. Please try to know that this is not how things always are and that many parents now tell their children the truth. Many traditional surrogates keep contact with their babies now. I wish you had that and am sorry you have had to be scared like this. Your story is vital to the community as it shows very clearly that this is not just about parents and that sometimes they need to be bigger and think of the child. You can not make origins disappear, but if origins are acknowledged the child could grow up knowing that he was the most wanted baby, and so very loved. Knowing that bio mom loved enough to know how happy the family could be. The child could know where they came from and not feel that sense of a missing piece. I know of children that were raised this way and they are very happy and well adjusted at 30 years old.

Thank you or sharing this with us all and I hope that everyone keeps this in mind when deciding how much contact to have.

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All of this TS regret stuff, I hurt for you while reading it. I was just going to read and not post but I had to write SOMETHING. It is just so, I dont know.............I just know I could and would never do it. For those who have to use a TS, thank the heavens there are TS that will do it. ED's thank you for donating so that those of us who cannot/will not don't have any regrets. I thank you and do not understand but it is really none of my business as to how you can do it. I just again want to thank you for doing what you do, without you there would be many MANY more childless families. :thankyou:

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I just want to say how sorry I am for what you had gone/are going through. I am a GS and can't even consider TS for my own personal reasons. My hope in reading your post is that IP's considering TS will understand that in doing so they must tell the child how they came into the world and to allow contact with the birthmother if the child wants that contact.

 

I agree, secrets only hurt. My FIP's tell the twins about me now, show photos and they are only a year old. She said she plans on always being honest with the way they were born, as do my current IP's. I am very grateful for their honesty and will always be open to involvement in all their lives.

 

:hugs: to you!

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:welcomewave: Thank you for your post. I am an IP and we are doing GS. We always planned to tell our child about her/his birth. We don’t feel that it should be kept a secret. We are very happy that someone will help us and are proud to let our child know the wonderful woman who will give us such a wonderful gift. After reading your post I am more sure than ever that this is the right thing to do.

I am sorry for the situation you were raised in. Do you think if your dad told you the truth from the beginning you would feel differently? I hope you focus on the positive and not feel dirty. Your dad wanted you. His choice in a wife is unfortunate because she sounds horrendous. Any woman who can not love a child unconditionally deserves to get what she gives. Sorry that is just my opinion. I hope you and your birth mom become closer. You deserve all the love she can give you and it sounds like you have formed a bond.

Please continue to post here. The women here are wonderful and may help you heal from your experience. You will find unconditional support here from all of us. It is good to talk about your feelings and this board gives you a place to talk with people who understand surrogacy. Everyone needs to vent sometimes. :wub:

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I have really been thinking TONS about all of this the last several days. All of the regret and sadness surrounding these TS arrangements. It really does break my heart. I wish there was a better way sometimes...for IPs achieve their dreams without any risk of the TS or TSchild being hurt...

 

Anyway...I just have one thought...

 

I wonder how much of these feelings the TSs and TSchildren are talking about are about the LIE--or is it about not being raised by their bio parents? I think what I'm reading is that it is the untruth of their lives. I know of several arrangements that have a LIE twisted into them, and I worry. I worry ALOT about later on if that lie comes out, how the families and children will end up. Brokenhearted, I suppose. It is just sad to see a trainwreck coming.

 

I think everyone needs a HUG... :hugs:

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I wonder how much of these feelings the TSs and TSchildren are talking about are about the LIE--or is it about not being raised by their bio parents?  I think what I'm reading is that it is the untruth of their lives.  I know of several arrangements that have a LIE twisted into them, and I worry.  I worry ALOT about later on if that lie comes out, how the families and children will end up.  Brokenhearted, I suppose.  It is just sad to see a trainwreck coming.

 

I think everyone needs a HUG... :hugs:

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If I understand you correctly...........

 

I think that the bio-related really has little to do with the feelings. I think it is the Lies, like you said. TS children in this since are like adopted children. As long as there is love, honesty and openness then there should be no hurt feelings over how the child was created. I can only speak from my own experience howver.

 

As a TS myself, I have carefully choosen IP's who fully intend to keep the creation of their child open. I hope that they honor all the promises about full-disclosure and do the right thing.

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