Surrogacy Forum: Surrogate Mothers, Intended Parents and Egg Donors: Affairs - Survey Says - Surrogacy Forums

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Affairs

Poll: If you were friends .... (103 member(s) have cast votes)

If you were friends ....

  1. Yes (72 votes [69.90%])

    Percentage of vote: 69.90%

  2. No (3 votes [2.91%])

    Percentage of vote: 2.91%

  3. It depends (28 votes [27.18%])

    Percentage of vote: 27.18%

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#16 User is offline   Karen1229 

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Posted 09 February 2006 - 10:24 PM

I would want to know the WHY of the affair. Was the wife being abused and the relationship with her first dh gone years before? And then she found her new dh, her true solemate? And now are they an honest couple? Or do you know of one of them currently is being less than faithful (or can you see it coming? you know the type...). I guess my point is if you guys see one of them not respecting the sanctity of marriage now (cuz there can be lots of reasons for a sad past that is the long ago past)...then I'd say bye-bye. It will do no good for your marriage to have to deal with the example of infidelity on a constant basis. There's a saying I want to add but for the life of me it's left my brain tonight...but the point...hanging out with druggies even tho you'll never do drugs just isn't a great idea...yanno?
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#17 User is offline   pepperbird 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 03:23 PM

I understand the thing about druggies..
but I had an affair, and there's no way I'd ever go through that again.
I will not repeat that part of my past!!
And maybe some people would have an affair, but the opportunity never presented itself.. I"m sure that sounds bad..
I'm just saying I never thought I'd have an affair, I just wasn't "like that" and no one who KNOWS me could imagine I did that..
but it was all in the situation.. in what was going on with my husband and I .. and this guy that was doing all the right things or acting the way I wanted my husband to act...
I am NOT proud that I Had an affair, but if it hadn't been for that wake up and smell the coffee moment... hubby and I would have travelled down a worse road and we'd probably be apart..
in that case I wouldn't have my 2 year old daughter and we wouldn't have the better relationship we have. Plus I don't do stupid things anymore in general.
I hated lying about the affair, and when everything came out I remained honest about everything at all costs!! I know my husband changed for the better too...
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#18 User is offline   chocolat 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 05:22 PM

I apologize in advance if this turns out to be long! Pepperbird, my DH and I experienced very nearly the same situation, however, our roles were switched: DH did the cheating. Unfortunately, the reasons/catalyst/whatever you want to call it were completely out of my control because DH brought the problem issues into our marriage and I was utterly clueless why he was withdrawing from me-at one point, I actually entertained the notion that he was struggling with his sexuality!!! (He wasn't, thank the Lord, lol)
Anyway, I understand where you are coming from in your explanation. I voted It Depends because the behaviors and motivating factors involved in infidelity can be extremely complex...you just never know. The "other woman" DH was involved with was-still is for that matter-a mean and spiteful creature out for her own amusement as a rememdy for her own miserable marriage (two young sons no less). Pathetic. However, I know another "other woman" that is totally opposite-my mother. She's too wonderful, smart, funny and downright amazing to not be, as Linda phrased it perfectly, "appreciated" and loved (my mom is a widow)...the wife has made her uninterest in her DH clear (they've been married for over 40 years), thus the attraction between he and my mother began. He adores her, treats her like a queen, tells her how smart, beautiful and funny she is and has for almost 8 years. The wife's attitude was/is the problem. *shoulder shrug* Her loss.
The difference between my and my mother's situations? I had not given up on my marriage, I wasn't neglecting it and I wasn't done yet.
But, as Ally McBeal's Fish aptly put it, "Bygones". The affair was my DH's wake-up call and we anticipate a long, stong and happy marriage as a result. :bliss:/>

Pepperbird, I appreciate and admire your ability to be candid about your history. My DH is and it just makes me love him all the more for his self-awareness and responsibility (previously nonexistent!). :)/>
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#19 User is offline   pepperbird 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 05:58 PM

chocolat- thanks for your post! that was very sweet :)/>

My mom kept thinking the guy she was in love with would eventually leave his wife and kids..
which is mostly the case. But most of them don't.
Anyway, I think my mom deserved to be appreciated, but at the same time, so did my dad. So I'm glad he found someone.
And funny thing, she had a full blown affair on her husband before she met my dad... (my stepmom that is)
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#20 User is offline   TJ 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 06:13 PM

My marriage IS the product of an affair and I admit it proudly. My EX DH was a lying, cheating, lazy pain in the ASS and got far more out of me than he deserved. I stumbled on true, deep, real love and could not even see what it was for many years. (pathetic childhood had me set up to except much less) When I saw, I acted on it and have only felt guilty for not acting sooner and keeping my current DH waiting so patiently, so very long. So, I of course voted yes, if you like them then you like them no matter of how they began. If I were to have a problem it would be based on bigger things.

Weird side karma based note-rumor has it that my EX DH has only 1 month to live...some kind of cancer or something...so says one of our brides maids that still talks to him (not me) and why not still talk, he did f*#@ them all, yes all.
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#21 User is offline   chocolat 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 07:24 PM

:haha:/> Mom doesn't want BF (not sure what to call him...) to leave his wife for her. She doesn't want to cook him dinner, clean up after him, wash his dirty underwear or starch and iron his shirts! She married a lovely man once-my dad- but after being single for so long her idea of an ideal relationship is for the guy to live next door! They can visit and have a good time together then he can go home and she can continue with her life... :bliss:/>
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#22 User is offline   Linda GS x 5 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 07:54 PM

Sometimes that sounds like an awesome plan, Audrey... lol
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#23 User is offline   pepperbird 

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 10:27 PM

for awhile I thought it would be cool to have seperate bedrooms me and hubby.. but more for the reason of my room would be clean!! We would still share the bed! :rofl:/>
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#24 User is offline   QueenDawn 

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Posted 03 May 2006 - 01:44 PM

Sure! I would be friends with them. I agree with Denise M. that as long as it didn't affect my marriage then we're all good. = ))
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#25 Guest_Kimmy_*

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Posted 03 May 2006 - 05:42 PM

If we were already friends and it happened in the past i would not let it change our current relationship. I may be shocked and "wonder" a bit though.

Now if the case were they were doing this now while we were friends ans such, i would not say that i would no longer be their friend, but it would be very hard for me to hear about it and support it in any kind of way.

We went through that with my DH brother and wife. He had affairs and we were always drawn into the middle. It hurt me seeing the kids being affected and him saying i'm sorry and her taking him back again and again. We finally just had to back off and not be "close' with them any longer. We just slowly withdrew our friendship. It was just causing us too much pain and emotions. We are now not close at all and they know that is the reason. But i wont lie and say i support someone when i do not. And more so when it continues to happen again and again.

We have been married going on 15 years and we have just learned how to choose our friends and what works and what dont. Alot of friends we have lost over the years for one reason or another. Not grown up enough, still parties too much, smokes WAY too much, just different things, but it does affect who we spend our time with. And its sad to say but....we are finding less and less friends because of the lifestyles of others.

I dont need perfect friends just decent ones with some values these days. But i would not throw a friendship away for a past offence.
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#26 User is offline   brandigirl 

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Posted 07 June 2006 - 10:54 PM

My vote was yes, and here is the reason. I don't feel that I have to agree with everything my friends say, think or do. If you are my
friend thats what matters, I will stand behind your decision and choices weather I agree or not.
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#27 User is offline   APB666 

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Posted 08 June 2006 - 12:41 AM

I voted "yes" ... as close friends, it's not my place to judge especially when the issue does not directly relate or effect our friendship.
At this point in my life I'm upset to find my friend not being supportive of my becoming a surrogate ... doesn't mean we're not friends because ethically she doesn't agree with my decision.
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#28 User is offline   Maysbls 

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Posted 19 February 2007 - 12:57 PM


My Dh and I know a couple that are married -- but we also know the Ex-wife. So it is a "unique" time when we do visit them. They do make a great couple; completely devoted to each other and such a loving couple. We couldn't imagine them loving anyone else -- so to speak.
BUT for us we can impagine...
We also keep in touch with the Ex-wife... and that makes things even more "unique". She is wonderful - caring - generous person. While she has "dated" ... she hasn't found that person to be with.... kwim?
What makes it even more "soap operaish" the new wife and the old wife --- were good friends!!! Needless to say -- the new couple does not socialize with the Ex-wife.

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#29 User is offline   BUZYMOM 

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Posted 21 August 2007 - 11:52 AM

I know this thread is an older one but I've been reading everything I can on here and happened upon this one today and i just wanted to say THANK YOU !!!! for your honesty and candidness....I am a very opened and honest person and the honesty and genuineness that I have seen on this site in just a few short weeks is so great !!!!

I love it here !!!!!!

My hat is off to an amazing group of ladies !!!!!
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#30 Guest_mama-beans_*

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Posted 21 August 2007 - 12:35 PM

Love the sinner hate the sin, and all that; i voted yes. But I have to be honest, it would add distance to our relationship as they obviously have as different set of values and I don't want any influence on my own relationship.
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