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Feelings never expressed


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#1 Guest_TS times 5_*

 
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Posted 03 February 2008 - 08:29 PM

I have been a 'traditional surrogate' five times, all for different families.

I am not so sure there is anything within the mechanics of the journies themselves that I would change. I had typically happy, fulfilling surrogacies, and still have great relationships with all of my IPs.

However, what I wish I could change, is the perception that people had (still have) of 'traditional surrogacy', what it is supposed to be like, and most important, what it means for the future.

I am not against TS by any means. I have done it five times, and if the right situation came along, I might think about doing it again. What I am against, is the emotions and attitudes when it comes to TS.

Even going into my fifth TS pregnancy, I had no idea that my feelings and thought processes would change. For those new to surrogacy, or with recently completed surrogacies, they have no idea ( just like me) what the future will hold.

When I was becomming a TS, and even well into my life as a TS, women were not 'allowed' to speak about their feelings openly without being booed and told they were just 'different', 'wrong', 'crazy', or just plain 'weird'.

If I could change anything, it would be to have been allowed to hear those women, without fear of being labled. Maybe if I had heard, and listened, then things wouldnt have come as such a shock to me now. I would have been prepaired for the future.

As it is now, Because I will openly admit that the children that I created for other families are really and truly my own children, I will become known as a TS nazi. That is just not fair.

I was a 'normal' TS. I concieved, caried, then birthed those babies, with the sole intention of 'creating a family'. I was a good girl, and felt no seperation issues. I never cried and claimed I was giving up my children. I was an 'Angel". What a joke I was.

I did not make the decision to change my views. My CHILDREN did. They call and ask me "where are you mommy? Do you love me? When can I see you?" After hearing that, am I supposed to continue being an "angel" and disassociate myself from them?

No. I had to learn to accept the responsibility, of being their mother. Because that is what I am. I could deny it all I wanted to before, but I cannot do so now. I alone made the choice to have those children. I alone have to take responsibility for those actions. They are my children, and I am their mother. No amount of resoning with myself, telling myself otherwise, will change that SIMPLE basic fact. It just is.

What I would change, would be the denial. From myself, and everyone in the surrogacy community. What saddens me the most, is that it all still continues today. Even with more women speaking out, they are treated like they are not 'normal', and it feels like they should be swept under the rug. Myself included.

The strange thing is, it was actually harder for me to get over the guilt of being 'weird' or 'wrong' in the eyes of other surrogates, then it was for me to accept my role as mother. That is truly sad.

Saying all of this, do I believe that TS is wrong? Of course not! What I believe is wrong, is going into TS, and especially, letting countless others go into TS, without a thought of the future. Letting TS's believe that if they do think of the future, or have 'feelings', that they are wrong.

I would like for ever woman trying to become a TS to know that what they do now, WILL have an impact later. That they have no way of knowing WHAT their TS children will think or feel later. To be prepaired for that phone call, or letter, asking why?.

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#2 BUZYMOM

 
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Posted 05 February 2008 - 10:31 PM

WOW !!! This is why I've chosen to be a GS and am positive I would never be able to be a TS.

That is quite a lot to think about....but with so many deserving IP's out there I hope your story doesn't frighten away anyone sure they are able to handle a TS journey.

#3 Maysbls

 
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Posted 06 February 2008 - 04:42 PM

I appreciate your response... especially from experience. I often wonder what C will be told, by her parents. What she will think. What she will wonder.
I often think about what to tell her. What to explain. What to expect.

I don't think that I am wrong to wonder about the future ~ mine and hers.


#4 Marinewife3287

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 11:05 AM

WOW that is alot to think about. I havent wondered those thought as a GS, but I know I would torture myself to death with them if I were a TS. Therefore I'm not,and know I could never be.

#5 4ofmyown

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 02:26 PM

WOW !!! This is why I've chosen to be a GS and am positive I would never be able to be a TS.

That is quite a lot to think about....but with so many deserving IP's out there I hope your story doesn't frighten away anyone sure they are able to handle a TS journey.



What? where did she say she is not handling being a TS. It sounds to me like she is handling her new found feelings very well.

I honestly don't think very many GS's will ever understand TS, but that is fine. I dont expect you to.
just like I wont ever understand why GS's would willingly put all those meds into their bodies time and time again. But you dont hear me making a big deal out those choices.

#6 Momma2Twins

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 02:58 PM

Very well written, you totally made a great point for all to see, and for you, I'm grateful...I wouldn't be able to be a TS, I know these emotions would be way too much for me to handle.

I think, coming from a GS, is that a TS has a LOT more to think about in the beginning, you are all much stronger than I. As much as I love growing babies for people, I'd be much, much too selfish to give something of mine "own".

Again, very well written.

#7 BUZYMOM

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 04:18 PM


WOW !!! This is why I've chosen to be a GS and am positive I would never be able to be a TS.

That is quite a lot to think about....but with so many deserving IP's out there I hope your story doesn't frighten away anyone sure they are able to handle a TS journey.



What? where did she say she is not handling being a TS. It sounds to me like she is handling her new found feelings very well.

I honestly don't think very many GS's will ever understand TS, but that is fine. I dont expect you to.
just like I wont ever understand why GS's would willingly put all those meds into their bodies time and time again. But you dont hear me making a big deal out those choices.



Ummmmm...I DID NOT say or mean to imply she was not handling being a TS.

I'm sorry you do not understand my choice to be a GS, I DO understand why people do TS I simply stated it was not for me.

In my reply I meant to convey respect for the OP and her feelings and you did not seem to understand my intent.

#8 belle

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 05:32 PM

Thank you so much for coming here and sharing how you feel. I feel like I have learned something here today. I have so much respect for TS's. I know I do not have what it takes to do it. In that I have not judged or implied that I know anything about it. But I enjoy being educated on it. Again Thank you, you did a fantastic job.

#9 4ofmyown

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 05:52 PM



WOW !!! This is why I've chosen to be a GS and am positive I would never be able to be a TS.

That is quite a lot to think about....but with so many deserving IP's out there I hope your story doesn't frighten away anyone sure they are able to handle a TS journey.



What? where did she say she is not handling being a TS. It sounds to me like she is handling her new found feelings very well.

I honestly don't think very many GS's will ever understand TS, but that is fine. I dont expect you to.
just like I wont ever understand why GS's would willingly put all those meds into their bodies time and time again. But you dont hear me making a big deal out those choices.



Ummmmm...I DID NOT say or mean to imply she was not handling being a TS.

I'm sorry you do not understand my choice to be a GS, I DO understand why people do TS I simply stated it was not for me.

In my reply I meant to convey respect for the OP and her feelings and you did not seem to understand my intent.



I am sorry if I read your words as slightly offensive, my mood is pretty sour today. I apologize if I read something that you were not intending on saying.
But I never said I did not understand your "choice" to be a GS, now you are misinterpeting what I am saying.
Agree to disagree and I will refrain from posting, My words wont come out right.

#10 Guest_phrogger_*

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 07:23 PM

WOW !!! This is why I've chosen to be a GS and am positive I would never be able to be a TS.

That is quite a lot to think about....but with so many deserving IP's out there I hope your story doesn't frighten away anyone sure they are able to handle a TS journey.


This is NOT to start a fight in a thread that is SO important for everyone to read, but I just wanted to point out, that AS a TS and as a TS who has a lot of the same feelings as the OP, it is comments like THIS that sting ME the most. I can't speak for the OP, but it is things like "wow I hope YOUR feelings don't scare away someone who can handle TS better then you can". As if I am not a good enough TS because I feel like they are MY children and I love them with all of my heart. I still as a "good TS" I gave up the baby right? How is that not "good". How did I not handle it as a TS just fine. What I have a hard time handling is as a mother acepting that I gave away my babies.

I hope you can see that while your intentions Denise I am sure were completely supportive of the OP, *I* feel that it is an unintentional dig. I don't think you mean it to sting anyone and especially not the OP who has been so wonderful in her explination of her feelings and put her heart out there for everyone to deal with, but it is just comments like yours that are probably totally unintentional but really do hurt and THAT is exactly why so many TS's are afraid to say anything. Because they are afraid of people telling them that they hope their honesty doesn't scare away other people. No one tells me that my carrying quads or that my having been on bedrest or in the hospital etc is something they hope doesn't scare away other people who might be able to handle GS better then I did.

I hope you can see that this is NOT an attack, but really, hopefully a glimps into how *I* feel about your comments.

To the OP, THANK YOU for saying what i feel so much better then I express at times. My TS kids are still a little to young to question me (the TS kids are 2 and almost one and my birth dd is almost 4) but even the almost 4 year old is already asking questions like why she is different and why I am not there. It is only a matter of time till they start asking more. I am just glad that more people are understanding that we have to be prepared for this to happen, because there is a high probability that it WILL happen.

#11 CYN

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:09 PM

I did not make the decision to change my views. My CHILDREN did. They call and ask me "where are you mommy? Do you love me? When can I see you?" After hearing that, am I supposed to continue being an "angel" and disassociate myself from them?


I would like for ever woman trying to become a TS to know that what they do now, WILL have an impact later. That they have no way of knowing WHAT their TS children will think or feel later. To be prepaired for that phone call, or letter, asking why?.


I am not a TS. I have completed one GS and the parents and extended family fully intend to let the children now how they were born.

These are the big reasons why I ultimately wouldn't be a TS or an ED. I am fully aware that at some point there will be questions and answers needed. I am aware that there may be a reality where the child may want/expect some sort of a relationship more than just 'their parents' friend'. I am NOT prepared or willing to have more children than the 2 I already have. I do not want anyone else to call me mom or expect motherly actions from me. And although I'm sure the IP's would agree that they do not want me viewed as 'mom', there is no way of knowing what the child may want/need in the future and I simply cannot commit to that (which is why I will not be a TS, ED nor will I have more children with my husband).

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I've always appreciated Erin's story as well. It's not something that I necessarily would've considered had I not been on the boards and heard other's stories.

#12 belle

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:11 PM

I love you Erin, and I am so glad you popped in. I was thinking about you as I read this post. I think you guys coming out and talking like this is so beneficial.

#13 IManIM

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:34 PM

I want to thank you for being so open about your experiences and feelings. And I have a question for you. I'm not sure exactly how to phrase this because I'm worried it will somehow sound offensive to someone and it's truly not meant to be.

I'm an IM via DE and GS. I noticed that you say that your TS children have called you and referred to you as "mommy". May I ask if those were children who were being raised in a home with an IM? I'm just wondering because everyone has always told me that even though my children were conceived with donor eggs, they'll always think of *me* as mom. I know that they may want to know their egg donor some day and ask her questions. And we think of our ED as a part of our family. But I guess I never thought that my DDs might some day refer to her as mom, too.

#14 karensworld

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:48 PM

Wow...thanks so much for expressing these thoughts. I am a hopeful TS for very good friends, but it is just these issues that have me worried. I am open to having a relationship with my future surro baby, but I wonder...what if it isnt enough? What if this child grows up to feel abandoned by me, even though I know he or she will be well loved by his/her dads?

I wonder if the OP regrets having done TS....

#15 brandigirl

 
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Posted 07 February 2008 - 10:19 PM

Thank you for posting your feelings. I am glad you are able to express it. I think it is awesome that we are coming to a place in the community were we feel free to express out feelings.



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