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Feeling left out


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#1 pepperbird

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 03:19 PM

Surrotwins are 1 week today!

I left the hospital Sunday and haven't heard from my IP's since. IF is supposed to be flying in tonight and the plan was that he'd call in a day or two and get together with us.

Well we'll see. It just sucks we had all this constant contact the few weeks before the birth. Then I got to spend a good amount of time with IM and babies while in the hospital. Also IF was checking on me while in the hospital. But then it's like now that I'm home, nothing.

I've let IM know that I've been pumping and that I'd love to bring some milk for the boys if she doesn't mind. No response. So I texted IF today to say happy 1 week and see how things were going. I mentioned the milk to him as well. No response.

I just feel like I've been forgotten.

I want to go see the babies, but don't feel like I'm even welcome to anymore.

I'll give it a few days and see if IF calls.. but I'm really feeling crappy.

Hopefully this weekend will be better.

Thanks for listening.....

#2 poohmom

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 03:28 PM

I'm sorry Jill! It is always tough to know where we fit in after the birth of our surrobabies! IP's are busy adjusting to their new roles as parents, and to twins is even more overwhelming than a singleton. I hope your IP's are just busy taking care of babies and not intentionally trying to ignore you! I would give it another day or two, and see if they contact you. Where are they staying? Will they be in town and then are leaving? I would definitely want to try and touch base before they leave so you can see the babies, and hope they would want that too. Don't give up on them, and also try and remember hormones are wicked right now. They make everything feel worse, and it's OK to feel it all and cry as much as you need to! You can also come here and vent to us anytime! Sending big hugs!! :hug:

#3 hannahbutterfly1997

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 03:32 PM

Jill, I am so sorry you feel this way. Hopefully it will get better. I felt like a bad first time surro because I had the twins and left the hospital. No contact since I left and once in a blue moon do I think about how they are doing. I know my role in their lives was short and the parents took it for granted and I felt like I was hired help. One of those (pardon the expression) THANK YOU COME AGAIN type of relationships. I didnt even get a card from the IP's while in the hospital. But oh well. Hopefully this next journey I am on will be way better. :bighug:

#4 Sarah

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 03:37 PM

I am so sorry Jill, I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I think the first few days are really hard to figure out, like Kathy said. Try giving them a call, something they have to respond to. It is possible that they are super tired from going back and fourth and everything and maybe they are worried about bothering you while you are healing.

I really hope all of this gets sorted out and that they include you fully! You deserve it :hug:

#5 momof2

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 05:49 PM

I felt the same way after I left the hospital after I had the twins. My IPs were consumed with spending every waking moment with the babies (which I understand) but I rarely heard from them and it hurt. Even when they knew I was bringing more breastmilk over I didn't hear from them. Thankfully I was allowed to see the babies with or without them so I at least got a peek and quick update when I dropped off bm. We did spend a little time together before they left for home but I never did get to hold the babies. Wait, I held Max for about 2 mins and that was it.
Anyway, it does take time and your IPs are very busy I'm sure trying to spend as much time as possible with the babies and such.
I would go up there and see if you can see them, maybe you will run into your IPs and can talk face to face.

#6 tm501

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 06:08 PM

Jill, I'm so sorry you fell like that! I wish I could give you a big hug!!! :bighug: Those hormones are having something to do with these feelings too I bet! I know that is exactly how I felt after delivering. Not to make excuses for them, but they are taking care of 2 newborns now that probably aren't on a schedule and there is sleep deprivation, and all the relatives want to see those precious babies that noone though they would ever be able to have. But they did have them thanks to you! Give thme sometime to get unfrazzled. I'm sure they'll come around.

#7 Karen1229

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 06:33 PM

:hug: :hug: Jill!!
I'm so very sorry you are feeling left out. While it's not an excuse, I hope that your IPs are just suffering from a bit of baby tunnel vision right now and they'll "remember" why their miracles are here soon.

Do you have an agency? If you do, I'd call them and have them intervene. A well worded call from your agency reminding your IPs that you need some contact can go miles.

One more :bighug:!

#8 leannh

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 06:46 PM

I hate you are feeling this way! Hopefully they are just really busy with the boys and they will call you very soon and tell you how wonderful you are for helping them have such beautiful baby boys and you can get out there to see the little guys. ((BIG HUGS JILL))

#9 Guest_tammyhoward_*

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 06:58 PM

Jill I am so sorry you are feeling left out. I dont understand Ips sometimes. If it wasnt for surros like you and many others on here us Ips wouldnt have those babies we dreamt of for so long. I know if I ever get to have another child thru surrogacy that I will never let my surrogate forget that she did a amazing and wonderful thing for me and dennis. Maybe they will come around when they get to catch a breath. And if they start to get a attitude just gently remind me who brought those babies into this world and that you risked your health to bring them their dream. maybe I am out of line there but that is how I feel about it. I feel surrogates are taken advantage of way to often and often Ips dont realize that you guys hurt when we dont call or email or have some kind of contact. I am very big on contact and I stress that with every new surrogate I talk to. I sure hope you get to feeling better soon.

#10 rrmom

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 07:00 PM

:cry: :cry: Jill you just made me cry! :cry: :cry:

I really hope you hear from your IPs very, very soon. :hb:

You know, postpartum issues and arrangements are hardly discussed here when we are setting up surrogacy relationships with our IPs... I wonder if that is something that needs more attention.

You are in my thoughts, sweetie. Lots of big hugs. It's been almost a year and there are definitely moments when I really miss my surrofamily.

Love you,
Mandy

#11 Shellxbell

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 07:39 PM

Hang in there sweetie, this is normal. You have to remember they are dealing with babies coming early, so they weren't prepared for that I"m sure as they were working till the last moment. If they are brand new parents they dont' know much probably and having two babies they don't get a break by giving one baby back and forth they each have one to take care of so that in itself is overwhelming.

The hormones are raging sweetie, soooooo much. When I had Martin it was the same way. I spent the first night in the same room with my IM, she even let me take care of him all night long while she slept.
I pumped for him as well. Once they left the hospital, I didn't hear from them except for four days later because it was Mother's DAy and we spent it together. I was so hormonal and felt exactly the way you do.
I felt abandoned now that my job was done, I cried a lot. Then I felt mad because I was pumping for them and didn't even hear from them. All you are feeling I felt so it's normal.
Remember they will always love you for giving them this wonderful gift of their babies. It's overwhelming at first for them, I talked to IM about these things. She was honest with me.

I love you and you did a wonderful wonderful thing for them. Be proud of what you did and that they wouldn't be here without you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo Love you sweetie pie

#12 pepperbird

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 07:53 PM

I totally understand the twin thing. Here's the deal, IM is back home with their dd who is 5. IM's parents have been here taking care of the babies this week.
IF is coming to see the babies for the 1st time tonight.

So they aren't busy with the babies.

Also I just got so close to them towards the end. Being with IM in the hospital for 4 days made me feel like we'd always be close. I didn't expect to hear from them everyday, but thought by now I might have heard something.

I think our names "may" be on a list to go see the babies, but it may only be if one of the IP's are there as well.

This whole surrogacy was different than the last one, which overall I thought was better. (this one)

I know part of it is hormones and emotions. I really hope I hear from them in the next few days.

I expect things to slow down plenty once they have the babies home.

It just seems like with the babies here in my home state that they'd be more in contact with me.

I have thought about contacting the agency, but I think I'll give it a day or 2. I'll probably try calling IF tomorrow to see if he made it here ok.

Thanks everyone! You are all great and I knew this was a safe place where I could come and be honest and find someone who would understand.

:hugs:

#13 NeilandEmmasmom

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 08:06 PM

Jill I am sooooooo sorry. My heart is literally breaking for you as I know EXACTLY how you feel. Only 8 weeks ago I couldn't stop crying for the thought and feeling of being forgotten. The pain is still fresh in my mind and what you are feeling brings tears to my eyes.
I'll pray for some comfort for you and that they reach out and make contact with you.

#14 leikay4

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 08:22 PM

Oh Jill I am so sorry.. I cannot understand how you feel as I have never been a surrogate yet, but I can only imagine how you feel, I will pray that they call you soon and that you get to see those babies too!! I hope you are able to find some sort of peace and comfort in knowing that without YOU they would not have those 2 precious boys... :hug:

#15 Kathleen55

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 09:08 PM

Lots of great advice already, I'll just give you a great big :hug:




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