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An explanation

#1 User is offline   Mommy02 

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 05:28 PM

What I am about to write does not come easy for me, I know that I am going to hurt someone’s feelings, and for those of you who know me well know I avoid that at all possible costs. But I have some things to say, and I think some of you all need to hear them.

I have been asked by a few different people why I am no longer matched with Tammy. I have explained my reasons to very few people, and was told that I should post a warning, and after much consideration I am going to explain why I am no longer matched with her.

Tammy and I met on AAS, she had written a post about how discouraged she was that her surrogates were not working out. I responded to that post and said that when I was done with the Journey I was on that I would be her surrogate if she still needed one. Well my FIF’s and I did not work out, Tammy had matched with a surrogate, and that did not work out. So we talked about me being her surrogate.
Tammy and her DH were going to go to Oregon to see their surrogate, even though they did not work out she told me they still wanted to take the trip. So I suggested that they come to CA and meet me and my family.

After they arrived I started to see ALLOT of things that bothered me. I knew that her DH had had a heart attack, and I also knew that he was overweight. But she lead me to believe that he was in overall good health, so I had no idea his health was as bad as it is. I did not know that he was a heavy smoker, a diabetic who does not take care of himself, and that he is so overweight that he can’t sleep in a bed, he has to sleep upright. His DR told him that if he does not change his lifestyle that he is not going to last a year. That was a year ago, and Tammy herself told me that she knows if he does not change he will not be around much longer. Her DH has no health insurance. Tammy can get him on her insurance through her work. But she can’t afford to pay for the premiums and pay for the surrogacy. She is choosing to have another baby rather than get her DH medical coverage.

Tammy needs a surrogate for an incredibly low comp, and that’s fine. I’m not in this for the money. However her DH is not helping her pay for the surrogacy, she is working her a$$ off to pay for it. We were talking about how the comp was going to be paid out, and she wanted to do the arrangement that I had with my FIF’s and pay every 3 months. I am OK with that, but then she tells me that if she does not have the total amount that needs to be paid saved up that she would send me what she could, and put on the receipt the amount still owed to me. So what happens if she can’t pay the first payment in full, then there is a remaining amount owed on the next payment? What Happens when the baby is born and there is still an amount owed and she can’t pay all of the comp? She has no idea how to file a PBO, nor does she have the money for a lawyer to ask or do it for her. She wants the surrogate to do the leg work for her.

They are also going to use a sperm donor, but all of the donors that they have found keep flaking on them. She has an 18 year old son, and she actually suggested using his sperm. I told her no, but it really bothered me that she would even suggest that.
They were supposed to stay with us for a week but ended up leaving 3 says early because Tammy's aunt showed up at their house asking her son for money. They were worried that the aunt and her husband were going to steal their stuff because they were not at home. Tammy has an 18 year old son who is developmentally disabled, and she left him alone while she came to CA to see me. I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with her son, but I know he is mentally handicapped. I know that people did call to check up on him, but he was still home alone.
I have found things that she has posted online that don’t match up with what she has told me. I have also talked to other people that Tammy knows and what Tammy told me about them and what they tell me about her again don’t match up.

She is a very very sweet person, and I did not want to hurt her, but I just did not feel comfortable moving forward. She was moving really fast, and wanted to do insems without a contract in place. She really has no idea what she is getting into. She has no money saved what so ever to pay for the comp, or any lawyer fees, or for medical bills that are surrogacy related. She had this mentality of Oh i have a surrogate let’s announce it to the world and go, go, go and then figure everything out when the surrogate gets pregnant.

I sent her an email expressing my concerns, and told her that I wanted to wait till her financial status was a little better, and her DH's healths was a little better, and wait till she found a reliable sperm donor. She did not like my email and was very rude and tried to play the victim and blame it all on me. She seems to twist things around so that she is not at fault and she is the victim, but she will not admit that she had done anything wrong, or that anything needs to be fixed.

I know that I am not perfect, there are thing i should have done differently, I should have seen the red flags sooner, but I didn’t. I really wanted this match to work out. I don’t want another surrogate to find out the hard way what I found out. Or for a newer surrogate to match with her and not have the knowledge to say no, or know that this is not how surrogacy is supposed to work.
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#2 User is offline   @Sunrise 

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 07:11 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that the entire situation was so uncomfortable. I am glad that you were able to get out before anything was signed or gone past the point of no return. :hugs:/>
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#3 User is offline   Shauna 

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 07:15 PM

I know that this wasn't an easy decision for you to post about it. People do have the choice to match with her to do so, but now having some insight before hand, hopefully the choice will be easier to make.
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#4 User is offline   leikay4 

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 07:48 PM

You are very brave to post your story, I applaud you for speaking up about all that happened.
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#5 User is offline   Karen1229 

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 07:27 AM

I appreciate you posting your story too. Even if you take out the names, reading it gives very good advice about many details that need to be seen to in a good surrogacy match. I'm sorry for the junk you've been thru and I'm very glad you got out of a potentially disasterous match before it was too late!
:hug:/>
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#6 User is offline   TammyLynn 

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 08:49 AM

It was very brave of you to put this all out there. Sometimes we have no desire to hurt someone, but we know we have to do what is right. And I applaud you for doing just that!! {{{{HUGS}}}}
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#7 User is offline   Hedr 

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 02:16 PM

I know how hard the decision was to post this but thank so so much for sharing it and getting the information out there. These are things that a surrogate should NOT have to deal with. I am appalled and shocked. And now it's clear to me why so MANY of her matches fell through. ((HUGS)) My thoughts are with you.
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#8 User is offline   BUZYMOM 

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:45 PM

:thanx:/> I agree with everyone......you are very brave and told your side with class.

As a fellow surrogate I greatly appreciate that :hug:/>

Good luck finding your perfect match :cl1:/>
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#9 User is offline   CarlaGSx3 

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 04:09 PM

thank goodness you had the good sense to back out. there were wayyyyy tooo many red flags...not being responsible enough to take care of IF's health is #1, not being financially sound is #2, wanting to use her disabled son's sperm #3...the list goes on. :(/> thank goodness you came to your senses before you went too far...too often surrogates are so sure that helping a couple is the #1 priority they glaze over the other issues thinking they will all work out. i hope you find a wonderful couple to help and that tammy and her family figure out their priorities and get their act together before trying to bring another child into this world.
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#10 User is offline   cori67 

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 08:13 AM

Thank you for posting that. I had wondered what had gone wrong but didn't want to pry. Honesty is the best policy and it seems like Tammy and her husband need to figure some things out before they can move forward with this. Is he really on board if he is not providing financially?
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