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Question for IM's

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#1 toots


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Posted 21 January 2011 - 08:07 PM

I have to start out by saying that our GS is the best! She is so wonderful and has never made me feel like less of a woman because because I cant carry. I am so appreciative of all that she has and is doing for us. I want all the details I can get so I can feel like part of the pregnancy and she has been great about keeping me posted.

The question I have is about how you feel about yourself knowing that you cannot carry. I feel defective and it is really hard for me knowing that I have to ask another woman to give my DH a baby. I know in my head that the baby will be mine too, but I am having a really difficult time with not beating myself up. I am super critical of myself now in other things and I think it all stems from me feeling like I have failed my husband because I cannot have our baby. Everyone keeps telling me that we are being given such a wonderful gift, and I do see it that way. I just cant seem to get past the self-loathing feelings to be really happy about the pregnancy. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way, so if you have, what did you do to cope?

My feeling are in no way directed at our carrier, like I said, she is so wonderful. All of my feelings are internal and directed just at myself. Any coping strategies you used?

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#2 OhioSurroMom


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Posted 22 January 2011 - 08:04 AM

Although we didn't have success with our FTS, I understand where you are coming from. I didn't feel inadequate, but did feel bad that it was such a struggle to have a baby and it was my fault. Short back story- tubal ligation in 1995 (while with my ex), been with current DH since 1997. Started researching surrogacy in 2001 - matched, carried and delievered siblings; 12/04 & 1/06. In 2006, my husband and I were recipients of donor embryos. 1st transfer success, but miscarriage at 13 weeks. Next 2 transfers were chemicals. Tubal reversal 11/07. RE suggested that we'll be pregnant within 3 months since everything went so well. Ended up on several medicated/monitored cycles and more non-medicated/monitored cycles than I'd like to count. Several miscarriages and failed adoption since the reversal. Approached by a TS in 11/09 and moved forward with her. Failed cycle after failed cycle. Very heartbreaking. We decided not to move forward anymore for various reasons.

I completely blamed myself and DH was about ready to give up - we both were. That is when I started feeling frustrated with myself and was really hard on myself with everything I did, not just trying to have a baby.

I realized that there wasn't anything I could do to change the outcome of our situation. I did have a heart to heart with DH and he reassured me that if it happens, it happens. If not, he's okay with it. He got into our relationship knowing that I wasn't able to have children (he does not have any children). I also had a chat with an IM about it.

She gave great advice including, once the pregnancy is achieved, you'll feel so differently. It's hard to explain, but you will. Your focus will shift to the baby/babies and you won't be so hard on yourself. The goal is a baby or babies. How they get here is not important.

I love that you adore your GS!! I look forward to following along in your surrogacy. If you ever want to chat, email me through the boards.

#3 toots


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Posted 22 January 2011 - 10:26 PM

Thank you so much for that. I am hoping that once we know we have a baby my feelings will change. Like you said, how we get that baby is not important. I am trying not to be so hard on myself, but it is really hard. It is really nice to know that I am not alone because sometimes it feels that way. :)

#4 Kathleen55


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Posted 25 January 2011 - 07:16 AM

It is very hard not to feel that way sometimes. I try to always be an optimist, otherwise the let downs can begin to pile up and turn your whole life in a bad direction. We were blessed with getting pg on the first try so that did make things easier for us. I never worried once about the pg I just enjoyed every single moment knowing that our daughter was on her way into our arms. I do hope that once you see that beautiful little flutter of a heart beat that your heart will start to lighten as the love of your child grows so very strong, even before they are born. :hugs:

#5 jabberwock



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Posted 07 December 2011 - 09:43 PM

I know this is way too late, and you already have your baby & I hope this is all in the past...

Have you thought about counseling? I have friends who have tried cognitive behavioral therapy with good results - it's goal-oriented and based in the present, and it can be a good way of helping you find specific and practical techniques that can get you out of thought patterns like those you describe.

I'm an IM, too, hoping that things will work out with our GS (we just started cycling this month), and I get it. But pregnancy isn't what makes you a woman, or a mom, it's also not what makes you a wife, or the mother to your husband's kids. I'm sure you've gone through so much - just getting to the point of cycling with a gestational carrier takes grit and guts and passion and love and perseverence, and you should focus on that, and be *proud* of that - that's the part that will make you a wonderful mother and wife.

And be easy on yourself. It's totally natural to not deal with parts of this very well, so even in those moments when you feel like you're totally falling apart on yourself and your husband, remember that that's not because you're weak or unworthy or loathesome, it's because this is freaking *hard*. I've stuck myself with needles, I've let others stick me with needles, I've let people poke and prod at me, I've given up things I love to do and eat (at least mostly), I've spent days in bed with my feet elevated (dead boring!), I've reexamined my plans and my life, and I've built a wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman who thinks me and my possible baby are worthy of dedicating a portion of her life to. That's more than most people I know who got pregnant easily can say, and I think it's something to be proud of.

#6 emmalemma



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Posted 23 January 2012 - 01:34 PM

I have had the same exact feelings, we are still in the matching stage, but I felt very down on myself for quite a while. I personally had to overcome those feelings before we started looking for a match, I was worried about resenting our GS in some weird way for being able to do what I can't. For the most part I am ok with it now, I obviously wish I was able to just have a baby with my husband like most women can do. But I have come to peace with the fact that this is the path we are supposed to be on, at least most of the time :)

It doesn't help that my DH sometimes cracks jokes about how expensive having a baby with me is, or my in-laws have asked repeatedly when they are getting a grand baby, I get oversensitive to stuff like that. I think it is difficult to not feel inadequate as some point for being unable to do what should be a basic female function. Venting and acknowledging those feelings is what helped me move past them :)

#7 janine



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Posted 14 May 2012 - 03:32 PM

I've worked in the infertility field for 12 years. One of the saddest things I see is how people blame themselves for their infertility, like it's their fault, or that they brought it upon themselves. Infertility is bad enough to go through without self-blame (or worse-your partner blaming you). Here are some things I like to consider:
1. If you could fix it, like taking an aspirin for a headache, or will it to go away, like a bad habit, I have no doubt that you would do so. If infertility could be cured with willpower alone, believe me, no one would be infertile. I believe it is 1 in 6 couples in the US today that have fertility problems.
2. Even if your infertility is caused by a decision you made (like getting a tubal ligation, for example) I am sure that, at the time, you made the decision that was right for you, at that time and in those circumstances.
3. If you are feeling resentful of your surrogate (which is understandable) remember this: 50 years ago, the entire concept of another woman carrying your baby for you was INCONCEIVABLE (pun absolutely intended!). To even have the opportunity today is a miracle in itself.
4. Infertility is no walk in the park, but it might make a great story. Imagine being able to tell your baby how much work you did just to bring them into your life-how much you wanted him/her. That will be a great story he/she will never get tired of hearing!
If none of that helps, and you're still feeling down, remember to be good to yourself. Infertility patients have stress levels similar to cancer patients. It really can be a stressful time. Maybe try some stress-relieving activities like meditation, massage, whatever helps you get through your day.
Best of luck!

#8 traci72


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Posted 14 May 2012 - 06:09 PM

keep in mind that this is an old thread. The IM that posted this has her family now and rarely is on here anymore.

#9 operababy



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Posted 31 December 2012 - 08:34 PM

I am on a journey to become a GS. My Ip's were ready to give up on their plans to continue. They just thought it was too hard and they were too old. I sent them a very sincere letter and said "nonsense!" that they were not too old. They were my age(and younger) and I assured them that they deserved a chance. These IP's had endured several years of infertility. TO me it just seemed like a shame to give up when success could be just around the corner. This whole process truly is a journey....

Does this make any sense?

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