Question for IM's Inadequacy Feelings
Posted 21 January 2011 - 08:07 PM
The question I have is about how you feel about yourself knowing that you cannot carry. I feel defective and it is really hard for me knowing that I have to ask another woman to give my DH a baby. I know in my head that the baby will be mine too, but I am having a really difficult time with not beating myself up. I am super critical of myself now in other things and I think it all stems from me feeling like I have failed my husband because I cannot have our baby. Everyone keeps telling me that we are being given such a wonderful gift, and I do see it that way. I just cant seem to get past the self-loathing feelings to be really happy about the pregnancy. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way, so if you have, what did you do to cope?
My feeling are in no way directed at our carrier, like I said, she is so wonderful. All of my feelings are internal and directed just at myself. Any coping strategies you used?
Posted 22 January 2011 - 08:04 AM
I completely blamed myself and DH was about ready to give up - we both were. That is when I started feeling frustrated with myself and was really hard on myself with everything I did, not just trying to have a baby.
I realized that there wasn't anything I could do to change the outcome of our situation. I did have a heart to heart with DH and he reassured me that if it happens, it happens. If not, he's okay with it. He got into our relationship knowing that I wasn't able to have children (he does not have any children). I also had a chat with an IM about it.
She gave great advice including, once the pregnancy is achieved, you'll feel so differently. It's hard to explain, but you will. Your focus will shift to the baby/babies and you won't be so hard on yourself. The goal is a baby or babies. How they get here is not important.
I love that you adore your GS!! I look forward to following along in your surrogacy. If you ever want to chat, email me through the boards.
Posted 22 January 2011 - 10:26 PM
Posted 25 January 2011 - 07:16 AM
Posted 07 December 2011 - 09:43 PM
Have you thought about counseling? I have friends who have tried cognitive behavioral therapy with good results - it's goal-oriented and based in the present, and it can be a good way of helping you find specific and practical techniques that can get you out of thought patterns like those you describe.
I'm an IM, too, hoping that things will work out with our GS (we just started cycling this month), and I get it. But pregnancy isn't what makes you a woman, or a mom, it's also not what makes you a wife, or the mother to your husband's kids. I'm sure you've gone through so much - just getting to the point of cycling with a gestational carrier takes grit and guts and passion and love and perseverence, and you should focus on that, and be *proud* of that - that's the part that will make you a wonderful mother and wife.
And be easy on yourself. It's totally natural to not deal with parts of this very well, so even in those moments when you feel like you're totally falling apart on yourself and your husband, remember that that's not because you're weak or unworthy or loathesome, it's because this is freaking *hard*. I've stuck myself with needles, I've let others stick me with needles, I've let people poke and prod at me, I've given up things I love to do and eat (at least mostly), I've spent days in bed with my feet elevated (dead boring!), I've reexamined my plans and my life, and I've built a wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman who thinks me and my possible baby are worthy of dedicating a portion of her life to. That's more than most people I know who got pregnant easily can say, and I think it's something to be proud of.
Posted 23 January 2012 - 01:34 PM
It doesn't help that my DH sometimes cracks jokes about how expensive having a baby with me is, or my in-laws have asked repeatedly when they are getting a grand baby, I get oversensitive to stuff like that. I think it is difficult to not feel inadequate as some point for being unable to do what should be a basic female function. Venting and acknowledging those feelings is what helped me move past them :)/>
Posted 14 May 2012 - 03:32 PM
1. If you could fix it, like taking an aspirin for a headache, or will it to go away, like a bad habit, I have no doubt that you would do so. If infertility could be cured with willpower alone, believe me, no one would be infertile. I believe it is 1 in 6 couples in the US today that have fertility problems.
2. Even if your infertility is caused by a decision you made (like getting a tubal ligation, for example) I am sure that, at the time, you made the decision that was right for you, at that time and in those circumstances.
3. If you are feeling resentful of your surrogate (which is understandable) remember this: 50 years ago, the entire concept of another woman carrying your baby for you was INCONCEIVABLE (pun absolutely intended!). To even have the opportunity today is a miracle in itself.
4. Infertility is no walk in the park, but it might make a great story. Imagine being able to tell your baby how much work you did just to bring them into your life-how much you wanted him/her. That will be a great story he/she will never get tired of hearing!
If none of that helps, and you're still feeling down, remember to be good to yourself. Infertility patients have stress levels similar to cancer patients. It really can be a stressful time. Maybe try some stress-relieving activities like meditation, massage, whatever helps you get through your day.
Best of luck!
Posted 31 December 2012 - 08:34 PM
Does this make any sense?